KYOTO, Japan— Beloved video game giant Nintendo released a statement on social media earlier today, where the company confirmed that the Steel and Fairy-type Pokémon Klefki is not really a Pokémon in any meaningful sense.
“Nintendo takes its commitment to players very seriously,” the company said in an unprompted statement. “We have high standards of integrity and openness when it comes to how we communicate with gamers about the properties they love, and it’s for this reason we can no longer remain silent on Klefki, the Pokémon who is constantly collecting keys and was first introduced in Pokémon X and Y. To be clear: Klefki is not a Pokémon.”
“Technically it is a Pokémon,” Nintendo continued, “but not really, you know? In name only. Consider it apocryphal. Pokémon are beloved as companions, friendly critters who grow and evolve alongside their trainers. That mutual relationship has always been at the core of the Pokémon franchise: ‘You teach me, and I’ll teach you’. That’s not Klefki. Klefki can’t teach you crap. It doesn’t love you. It’s pure utility— no more a pet than a wrench is your friend. The sooner the community accepts that reality, the better.”
Kenji Nishida, a lead designer on Pokémon X and Y, was skeptical of Klefki’s inclusion in the game from the very start.
“Variety is part of what makes Pokémon so great,” said Nishida, who previously contributed to the designs of Pokémon such as Stunfisk, Spoink, and that little rat bastard catfishing as Pikachu. “Variety has given us so many iconic designs over the years, from Pokémon that look like magnets, to the alphabet, to voluptuous human women. There’s something for every player to love, even the freaks. But variety has also given us creatures of nightmare: beasts so perverse Adam would sooner beat them to death with hammers than name them. Look, I love Klefki as much as the next guy, which is not at all, I feel nothing, but I have a Golden Rule I try to follow when designing Pokémon. That rule being—ideally—a Pokémon shouldn’t lead an existence indistinguishable from eternal karmic punishment.”
Though Nintendo went on to clarify the unusual key ring Pokémon wouldn’t be removed from Pokédexes any time soon, this didn’t stop some players from voicing their surprise.
“You’re telling me that was a Pokémon?” said Finn Dropem, a 33-year-old veteran player for whom Neopets was a gateway drug. “I just assumed Klefki was a cryptid or lesser demon in the Pokémon universe. I was confused why they never introduced more of them. I was confused by a lot of things. It’s just a ring of keys, right? What are they going to make next? An ice cream cone Pokémon? A dollop of whipped cream? A Pokémon that’s just a goth chick?”
At press time, Nintendo had reportedly amended their statement with the announcement that Vaporeon, a Water-type Pokémon known for its friendly appearance and nothing else, would be removed from future Pokémon media until you all learn to be normal about it.
