IMPERIAL CITY, Cyrodil — A popular pickup artist has released “Wheel Women Into Your Bed,” a course on seducing women with the Persuasion Wheel.
“Delighted to finally share this with you all,” posted Jeremy “Battlehorny Castellan” Bradus. “Women are more confusing than ever before, and rather than attempt the bare minimum like showering or making yourself interesting, men can instead find their next sexual conquest by mastering this clunky-ass minigame from 2005.”
For the price of $879.99, prospective incels can learn incredible techniques from a nine-lesson course. Some of the lessons include “Rotate to Procreate”, “Imperial Breeches to Get Bitches”, and “One Second Charm”. Reviews thus far have been mixed.
“Honestly, I’m still struggling,” admitted Rob Stedrine. “I don’t really know how to tell a joke, and the only thing worth boasting about is my service in Gamergate. If I couldn’t try coercing women, I don’t know how I’d interact with them at all. At least I can just pile them with money.”
As news of the course has spread, support for it has come from an unlikely source.
“Finally,” Todd Howard exclaimed as he brandished a copy of Skyrim. “I invented the Persuasion Wheel to teach people the art of human interaction. My life’s work has been to bestow my incredible knowledge upon humanity, in the form of digital products and expensive DLC. May you lowly scum continue to bask in the brilliance of my mind.”
At press time, several people who took the course complained their infamy was too high to even attempt a conversation with a woman.
