REDMOND, Wash. — Microsoft Gaming CEO, Phil Spencer, is taking time away from Xbox Studios to recover after coming down with the Red Ring of Death last week.
Spencer’s caretaker and employee, Xbox Dan confirmed Spencer’s condition to reporters lined up outside of Spencer’s 50-room mansion.
“Phil hopped onto his 360 to buy some games before he shuts the store down and that’s when he got hit with the Red Ring of Death but he is doing better this week. He’s inside, wrapped tightly in a high gsm Brooklinen towel, resting on top of an AC vent,” Xbox Dan shared. “He just wants you all to know that he can’t wait to be his regular self again and get back to delivering the games we all love on the amazing Xbox Series consoles.”
Members of the media pressed Xbox Dan for Spencer’s thoughts on the recent closures of Tango Gameworks, Alpha Dog Games, Arkane Austin, and Roundhose Games. Xbox Dan remained tightlipped about the closures but grew violent after one reporter insinuated that Spencer was faking the illness.
“I’ve seen a lot of shots at Phil over these closures. But I know him as a human person. We’re super close and I know that because he told me during an intimate conversation at dinner once,” Xbox Dan shouted, shaking his fist at members of the media. “How dare you all assume he’s pretending to be sick. If he isn’t sick, why have I been shoving pennies into him, trying to get him better?”
Xbox Dan’s shouting was only interrupted when a panicked Spencer exited the residence handcuffed to a headboard and wearing a sweet Sea Dogs t-shirt.
“Don’t listen to anything this man has been telling you. He broke in last week and has been holding me captive ever since. Please save me, he’s been force-feeding me pennies,” Spencer pleaded to reporters. “He doesn’t even work for me, he’s just an Xbox reply guy who I’ve enabled for years. Please save me. I’ll do anything. You want Major Nelson back? I can go get Major Nelson. You want me to tease a game with cryptic t-shirts? I can do that. You want me to guarantee I won’t close any more studios? Well actually, I can’t promise that, but please you have to help me .”
At press time, Spencer approved the closure of four more studios before being evacuated by helicopter to have the pennies pumped out of his stomach.
