So you’re the courier who dares to speak out against the Legion.
My trusted frumentarius, Vulpes Inculta, has told me of your outrage as you witnessed the burning ruins of what was once Nipton. My legionaries brought order to a lawless city of California, and yet rather than sing praises of our triumph you shed tears for the criminals we stopped? A lesser leader would have you dragged out and detained for daring to question us, but I am no barbarian.
It pains me to admit it, but nobody ever fully shrugs off the teachings of the Followers of the Apocalypse. Deep down, Caesar really is a sweetheart, but if you tell anybody I’ll crucify you. So just for you, I will grant the boon of wisdom. Allow me to explain why the New California Republic must be destroyed.
The Legion and the NCR were both born out of the lands of savage tribals. As mighty Rome did to the Sabines so long ago, we brought our neighbors to our heel. The tribes could assimilate or die. Either way, we erased all traces of their primitive language and culture, and the Legion was stronger for it.
But even before its decay, the NCR was soft. They welcomed themselves to migrants. President Tandi herself once made negotiations with the same tribal terrorist who destroyed the great Enclave all so she could welcome a vault full of vagrant squatters. Now, though, the NCR languishes under Aaron Kimball, a leader so incompetent my men call him Somnolentus Aaron. Kimball has allowed his country to be flooded with dangerous criminals, destroying their economy.
Compare that to how I have transformed Arizona. Crime is all but nonexistent. Traders can do business in peace. Traditional values are upheld. Women know their place. Degeneracy is punished. We do not coddle the weak and infirm (except, for reasons I don’t have to explain, people with brain tumors). We trust the natural remedies of healing powder instead of injecting ourselves with dangerous stimpaks, and the scientists of the Brotherhood of Steel are nowhere to be found. Ask anyone who isn’t crucified or enslaved, and they will tell you life under the Legion’s rule is a veritable Elysium.
The NCR has suffered from burdensome leadership long enough. The people of California must be liberated from foreign invaders, and that is why I will invade them. The profligates will complain, of course. Lanius told me they have “Caesar derangement.” But history will thank me. Our mass crucifixions are a small price to pay if it prevents chaos and violence.
Now fuck off. Go kill Mr. House or something. I need to plan the military parade following our triumph at Hoover Dam.
