KYOTO, Japan — Diddy Kongs are not conceived through conventional intercourse, a fact announced by Nintendo while promoting their upcoming title, “Donkey Kong Bananza.”
“Diddy was not born of woman-Kong,” said Shigeru Miyamoto, renowned creator of the Donkey Kong franchise. “He is an artificial biological construct, designed and created to serve a very specific purpose. That is why he is the only Kong with a tail. The complex gene-editing computers contained in a DNA Kaudulizer Barrel—DK Barrel, for short—are able to add that appendage to the standard Kong phenotype. All the barrels need is a teaspoon or two of donor genetic material.”
Some fans were upset with how they believed this information conflicted with existing Donkey Kong lore.
“Listen, gorilla-type Kongs canonically have very short penises,” said Martin Gardner, a longtime fan of the series. “They have a baculum, or penis bone, that is only about an inch long. Even if they wanted to hump a DK Barrel, they would never make it past the rim. Ironically, Diddy is a spider monkey-type Kong, without a baculum at all. He would have no problem doinking the barrel that supposedly incubated him.”
Nintendo expert Ellen Benchley noted that this type of lore was not uncommon for the company’s properties.
“Mario, Luigi, and Peach race aside infant versions of themselves in Mario Kart,” said Benchley. “How is that possible, outside of advanced cloning techniques? How many times has Samus had her DNA altered by outside sources to justify game mechanics? Zelda and Link just keep popping up throughout the timeline, looking exactly the same, like magic? I’m just saying, every time Donkey Kong throws a barrel, an identical Diddy appears. Just because the instruction manual doesn’t mention that the Kongs are fucking the barrels doesn’t mean it’s not happening.”
At press time, Sega had declined to respond to rumors that Sonic was seen copulating with the One-Up Video Monitors in the Green Hill Zone.
