HIGH EARTH ORBIT — The United States’ new Space Force, announced by President Trump this week, suffered a crushing defeat today at the hands of an EVE Online player with a vessel worth over $3,000.
“It was a disaster,” said Airman First Class Tamara Keller, sole survivor of the gank. “We were still learning how to navigate the menus when this giant ship started shooting lasers and missiles everywhere. We don’t have any of that cool shit yet. All we could do was hide behind those satellites people use to watch porn on their phones. It’s not fair. We weren’t even out of the starter area.”
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The EVE Online player, a 15-year-old from Missouri with the username StarShipPoop3r, was not sympathetic to the new program.
“Those dudes were total scrubs,” the attacker told reporters. “What, did they just start this week or something? My Avatar-class titan is worth like four months of rent, so I try not to touch it. But the US Space Force was a perfect target since I love the thrill of hunting unprepared, defenseless prey. Some people say EVE Online isn’t fun, but I had a blast grinding 3 years for a virtual item I’m too afraid to use.”
The White House declined to comment, but an anonymous source said President Trump assumed space was going to be “more like Star Wars.”
