My List of 45 Things a Gay Character Needs In Order for Me to Think They’re Necessary

Thanks to the virtue signaling politics of Hollywood, it seems that gays in modern media are harder to avoid than ever. Just last week, I had to explain alternative lifestyles to my sweet, young 16-year-old son because of Sense8. Now I have nothing against the gays, but having not met more than three in my 50 years of life, I’m led to assume there can’t be as many as these TV shows are implying. 

To help you Hollywood writers, I’ve developed a concise list to check and make sure it’s actually necessary to the plot for your character to be a gay. If it’s not relevant at all times — why include it? If your character does not meet these conditions, simply replace them with a normal person to maintain realism.

1. They must not mention they are gay, and instead the audience infers from their high voice and brightly colored shirts.
2. They must be from New York, like all gay people are.
3. They should set up a funny moment where they react by saying “Oh my goodness” in a silly voice.
4. They should act as someone who can relate to the female character, to prevent adding too many chicks into the story.
5. They must flirt with the main character only once, emphasizing how manly and desirable they are.
6. Their plot must revolve around how difficult it is to be gay, which my son needs to see.
7. If it’s based on a true story, the character must be gay in real life to the extent that people are going to notice if you gloss over it.
8. They should only refer to their sexuality in terms of “teams” to set up sports analogies for fathers in the audience.
9. They must not be born before 1970, when gay people first started appearing in America.
10.  They should explain what a “top” and a “bottom” is, so I can understand what the hell my daughter is talking about on Facebook.
11.  The gayness should be the result of outlandish circumstances, like a mummy’s curse.
12.  They should be able to hide weapons such as baseball bats down their throat.
13.  They must participate in a dance competition so the main character does not have to stoop to such feminine behavior.
14.  If the character is female, make sure she is only bisexual as to validate the fantasies of the audience.
15.  It should be implied that they at least TRIED to be straight.
16.  They must be able to help the main character by tracking a missing man’s scent like a bloodhound.
17.  They should possess large amounts of glitter that they use to gunk up machines.
18.  They should always be less than five feet tall, to prevent them from physically overtaking the scene they’re in.
19.  Their knowledge of drag makeup should allow them to craft the ultimate disguise.
20.  They must wear a cross around their neck, so we at least don’t lose the kids on that front.
21.  They must be able to mix a complicated fruity drink that can chemically act as a bomb which can blast through walls.
22.  They must have a little white dog that is kidnapped to drive the plot forward.
23. They must use a mesh top as a makeshift net weapon like an ancient Roman retiarius.
24. The character’s gayness must allow them to discern between a big dick and a gun in someone’s pants. 
25. They must be able to take their large collection of pins and jewelry and melt it before forging it into powerful armor for the main character.
26. They should have a strong, developed ass that serves as protection from the powerful kicks of a martial artist.
27. They should be the only one able to solve a mystery based on Golden Girls references.
28. They should have advanced knowledge of astrology that allows them to predict the hero’s future and guide them.
29. They must have been haunted by a lady ghost as a child and are scared of women despite how sexy they are.
30. They should not drive, something I think should also be adapted into U.S federal law.
31. They must use a magic rainbow to quickly fly the cast from place to place.
32. Any romantic interest they have should be communicated exclusively through longing looks that could be construed as platonic fondness.
33. They should stop the movie for at least five minutes to speak directly to any children watching the film, telling them there’s no way of knowing you’re gay before turning 18.
34. They should help the main character escape pursuers by leading them through a pride parade before ultimately using a float as an escape vehicle.
35. They should be able to hold their breath for up to 30 minutes, making them able to dive for sunken treasures.
36. They must have a lot of trauma, which again I think would just be good for my son to see.
37. Their character arc should be resolved by them singlehandedly curing AIDS.
38. They should be able to mind-link with other gays as a means to perform surveillance throughout the city.
39. Being gay should prevent them from being charmed by the sexy villainess.  
40. They must be hyper-talented at one or more sports to “prove something” to their father.
41. They must call Ellen to ask for a “favor” in the third act.
42. They should enlist patrons from their local gay bar to form a makeshift militia.    
43. They must own a quaint little bakery which doubles a hideout for the main character.
44. They should possess the ability to teleport between any two closets.
45. My daughter says any lesbians should have their nails cut, and I’m all in favor of encouraging good hygiene too.

 While this list is somewhat short, I wanted to be lenient as a way to show my support of the gay community. If we are to coexist and share media, it is only natural that we compromise. While I may not watch any of these shows with gay characters in them, I do hope that this list makes a difference.

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