TOKYO — In celebration of March 10, the official Mario holiday, legendary Nintendo executive Shigeru Miyamoto reportedly pardoned a Sonic Fan from execution.
“Today we come together to celebrate a longstanding icon of video games, and what better way to honor him than a show of mercy?” Miyamoto said, posing with a trophy Sonic Fan at a press conference. “On a day that breeds so much slaughter, it’s a nice gesture to let one of Mario’s enemies go free. Today I will not be executing this devoted Sonic fanboy, he’s one of the lucky ones. As for next year? Well, only time will tell. But enjoy your freedom today, and live another revolution around the sun enjoying terrible, disappointing games.”
The pardoned Sonic fan, Rylie Meyers, claimed to have mixed feelings about being saved by the Nintendo developer.
“Mario day is a dreaded day of fear and treachery for all Sonic fans, I’m just grateful Miyamoto was merciful to me this year,” Meyers said. “Every March 10 the fandom hunkers down awaiting the horrible atrocities that may be inflicted upon them by the nation, it’s important to remember the genocide that created this so-called holiday My heart goes out to all the unlucky Sonic fans who had to die today for the glorification of the Italian plumber, and I feel even worse for the even more unlucky Sonic fans like myself who survive and have to keep playing Sonic games.”
At press time, sources at Nintendo reported that Miyamoto also attempted to pardon a Ratchet and Clank fan as well, but none could be located in the entire nation.
