MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Former voice actor and new United States Mario ambassador Charles Martinet is currently hiding in the basement of the embassy due to mass Koopa Troopa riots, the State Department reported.
“It’s-a me, Charles! And I’m-a scared shitless!” yelped Martinet to reporters via satellite, after mere days in his new position as US ambassador. “I thought this would be a healthy way to channel my rage at being cast aside for that dickhead Chris Pratt, but I didn’t realize how unstable the greater Mario Land region is. Koopa Troopas across the land are violently rioting and setting go-karts on fire nationwide. I’m about to triple jump out of here faster than you can say ‘Let’s-a go!’”
A community organizer from the Koopa Troopa committee explained some of the motivations behind the unrest.
“Bowser hasn’t increased our wages from ‘1 golden coin per shift’ since 1985; unsurprisingly, this summer’s negotiations failed to produce a raise,” said Gary Shelldon, foreman of #7 Larry’s Castle in The Valley of Bowser. “And yet Mario earns so many coins, he has to convert his into extra lives. Income inequality is hurting people all across the world. Koopas stand in solidarity with the WGA, UAW, and the Bokoblins who are set to authorize a strike tomorrow.”
Former State Department employees offered words of wisdom and guidance to Ambassador Martinet.
“Yikes, I do not envy Charles’ position. You make one little slip-up at an embassy and people never let you hear the end of it!” remarked former Secretary of State and current infrequent podcaster Hillary Clinton. “But my best advice I can give Ambassador Martinet is to keep your head down, stay true to yourself, and always keep a bottle of hot sauce in your purse in case you get interviewed by an urban market morning radio show.”
Reports out of the Mushroom Kingdom indicate that the situation is worsening, as a reactionary group of Goombas have apparently stormed Bowser’s Castle and took selfies in Ludwig Von Koopa’s throne.
