GREENBELT, Md. — Tragedy struck this week as an unsuspecting local man was devoured whole by a mimic disguised as a shipment from subscription box service Loot Crate.
“Well, we arrived on the scene and found a wall of Funko pop figures doused in blood, so we knew it wasn’t your average animal attack,” described Officer Roberts of the Greenbelt Police Department. “The victim, or what was left of him, was next to what appeared to be a cardboard box with a Star Wars design on it. Upon closer inspection, we found that the box had about three rows of teeth and a long, slimy tongue. It almost took a deputy’s arm off before we subdued it.”
Loot Crate representatives have been quick to address the catastrophic mix-up. Spokeswoman Jan Spangler spoke on customer concerns at an emergency press conference.
“The recent disaster involving one of our mailings this past month is truly heartbreaking, but nothing more than a serious fulfillment mishap. The family and friends of the deceased have already been offered courtesy t-shirts depicting Grogu and the Mandalorian looking forlornly into a grave, which are up to the highest standards of our usual Loot Crate silkscreening quality,” announced Spangler. “In the meantime, while our team works tirelessly to work out this kink in the supply chain, please be wary of any mailing you receive from us and do not open any package which has a backwards logo or a slight discoloration.”
The mother of the victim, whose name has been withheld to protect his dignity as a Loot Crate subscriber, reflected on the brighter parts of his life.
“He always loved little toys and trinkets that don’t even really look good on a shelf, and above all he loved opening chests,” said the man’s grieving mother. “At least I can find some comfort in knowing that he passed away doing what he loved, surrounded by the vinyl figures of Zelda that meant so much to him.”
At press time, many onlookers at the Loot Crate press conference were heard expressing their surprise that the company even still exists.
