SOUTH BEND, Ind. — An increasingly deserted GameStop store inside the local University Park Mall has unveiled an innovative strategy to help the struggling video game retail franchise: charging for the supervision of children left unattended in the store.
“Let’s face it, there’s no way we can stop our stores from being filled with sticky, caffeinated children whose parents told them to play there while they went and enjoyed some peace and quiet in a Marshall Field’s,” said store manager Rod Kowalski. “We might as well make some money off of them. They’re sure as hell not gonna buy anything.”
The daycare rates will take effect this coming Monday, and if the trial run proves successful, it is rumored that the corporation will introduce the paid service at all of their stores within malls nationwide.
“This is a really exciting way to branch out into something besides more damn Funko Pops,” said GameStop CEO Shane Kim. “No one’s really coming here to buy games anymore, and we’re just trying to pivot in a way that keeps us from going the way of Blockbuster Video or Circuit City.”
Kim went on to assure worried parents that their rates will be inexpensive, and that they could also sign up for the optional ProParents Rewards Club for further savings. The program features discounted rates, exclusive promotions, and a monthly subscription to Apathetic Parent Monthly magazine.
“It’s really the best deal for parents who think they’ll be forcing us to watch their children for them repeatedly over the upcoming holiday season,” he said. “And of course, in addition to the coupons and savings that come with ProParents, we also offer a full refund in the event that your child wanders away and no one realizes it.”
Store employees were given a two hour lesson in basic daycare skills this weekend. Afterwards, several employees reported that their change in job responsibilities shouldn’t prove that drastic.
“Parenting, babysitting, they’re really not that hard,” said single mother and assistant manager Tina Banks. “Just plop them in front of a screen and they’ll be entertained for hours. At least when they’re young. Once they hit puberty all they’ll care about are dongs and tits, and then they become Spencer’s Gifts’ problem.”