DENVER – Eyewitness reports this morning confirmed that a festive, paper-clad loot box under the Christmas tree was found to contain an ugly cosmetic completely unsuitable for public use.
“I hope you like it, dear,” your mother reportedly said, poorly hiding the excitement in her voice. “I finally found a use for those extra Macy’s rewards points and I wanted to get you something that I knew you’d wear. It’ll go so nicely with those Doc Marvins you’re always clomping around in, though I do sometimes wish you’d wear something a little more professional. Maybe we could go to the mall soon and I can help you pick out a new outfit – I’ve got Kohl’s Cash I need to spend before January.”
Family members reportedly averted their gaze as they watched you unwrap and nervously display the brownish-green cosmetic item for everyone to see.
“Jeez dude,” said your sister under her breath. “You’re not gonna be able to wear that anywhere, at least not in public or somewhere your photo might get taken. Hell, I wouldn’t want to be caught in the background of someone else’s photos in that, let alone your own family’s. Still, though, Mom is right–you need to stop dressing like a 2000s punk that feels somehow liable for Hot Topic’s financial wellbeing.”
Friends eventually saw you begrudgingly equip your new item in family photos shared on Facebook, offering their opinions on the matter.
“That thing looks worse than the Santa cosmetics that were given out just for logging into ‘World of Warcraft’ last Christmas,” said one friend. “Sorry that you actually have to wear that–what a bad pull. Maybe next year you could spend a little more time grinding the season pass by calling your mom during peak weekend hours; I’ve heard the earned rewards are a lot better if you’re willing to put the time in.”
Your father, who remained quiet during the whole ordeal, was observed sitting through the awkward exchange in a revolting, patchwork cosmetic gifted last year.
