JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — A family reunion turned contentious after two cousins, one a Kingdom Hearts fan and the other a 34-year-old Disney enthusiast, refused to be seen anywhere near each other after being introduced, sources have confirmed.
“Talk about cringe. While I studied the Keyblade, he was probably shoving children out of the Dumbo ride line ten times a month,” said Brain MacIntosh. “He told me the characters know him personally at Disney, but like, I’m sure they try to make everyone in a state of arrested development feel that way. That doesn’t impress me. Neither does the $900 he bragged about spending on custom mouse ears for his birthday party.”
The Disney-loving cousin, Drew Wallace, insisted that there was nothing shameful about his interests and insisted that it was Brian who should reevaluate his life, due his intense interest in Kingdom Hearts.
“I’m a grown ass adult and I can spend my money however I please, even if that includes monthly trips to the parks alone,” he said. “At least I’m going outside touching the ornately manicured Magic Kingdom grass unlike that weeb. Believe me, I tried to play Kingdom Hearts way back, but I can’t get into anything that requires me checking Wikipedia every three minutes to explain the lore. Maybe when Brian grows up a bit he’ll see that getting a Tinkerbell tattoo is a more level headed decision than playing six different versions of the same game for over a decade.”
Family matriarch Denise Wallace attempted to keep the peace between the two cousins for nearly two hours, despite being at a loss as to why there was any bad blood.
“As far as I’m concerned both of them are disappointing,” she said. “Brian likes Disney games, Drew likes Disney everything, and I have no idea what this Final Fantasy is they keep arguing about. I guess they’re used to just arguing online with strangers and they forget we’re with family today. It’s embarrassing, frankly. Especially in front of the more successful family members here at the reunion.”
As of press time, Brian and Drew eventually settled their differences after banding together to roast their aunt after she arrived at the party wearing a Gryffindor shirt.
