SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. — Renowned intellectual and brave culture warrior Dr. Jordan Peterson began sobbing uncontrollably when confronted by the question, “Did you get all that?” by the Great Owl during a recent trip to Lake Hylia.
Dr. Peterson took to social media to defend his tearful response to the seemingly benign question.
“I’ve heard it said that this so-called ‘Great Owl’ is the reincarnation of the ancient Sage Rauru,” Dr. Peterson said. “But I’ll say this much: if he is who they say he is, then the standard of what qualifies one as a Sage in Hyrule explains why we are a culture in decay. Young Hyrulian men deserve a better guardian than this dagger-browed strigiform. I’ll not contract myself to some Faustian bargain with a bird of prey in exchange for telling me what any damn fool could see. I could see the castle on the horizon, why do I need this loquacious fiend to give instruction then have the gall, the absolute nerve to ask if I had ‘got all that’. Yes, I bloody got all that. Do you take me to be such a simpleton as to not be able to follow basic instruction? The coddling of the Hyrulian mind will in the end prove a much stronger threat than whatever performative hysterics the left comes up with about Ganondorf, who is a man in the truest sense of the word.”
Kaepora Gaebora, also known as The Great Owl, said he meant no offense to the unsettled doctor.
“I offer guidance to all would-be heroes traveling Hyrule,” Gaebora said. “When I saw Dr. Peterson approached with his head down and muttering to himself I thought he was just another adventurer who could use a gentle push in the right direction. I never, in my thousands of years of existence, ever encountered someone who reacted so viscerally to a simple question. His entire self-serious demeanor disintegrated the instant he interpreted what I was saying as some kind of insult to his intelligence. I’ve seen Like Likes with stronger backbones. Did you get all that?”
Dr. Peterson uploaded a video in response to Gaebora’s side of the story, appearing visibly shaken with tears streaming down his cheeks.
“And what would you know about backbones, eh?” Dr. Peterson asked between heaving sobs, “I weep for the young men of Hyrule when this is their example of leadership. That is who these tears are for. You are nothing more than a talking sign post with wings. And the direction you are telling us to go is directly toward oblivion and the ruination of Hyrulian culture. This is why you see more and more young men looking to Ganondorf; he offers solutions and not just warm platitudes and asinine lines of questioning. Go to Hell.”
At press time Dr. Peterson was undergoing an experimental procedure at the Lakeside Laboratory to treat his crippling blue potion addiction.
