PENNSYLVANIA — An Imperial Stormtrooper was seen fleeing the scene after Donald Trump was rushed off stage during a rally in Pennsylvania.
Trump was in the middle of a rally when shots were heard and the former president was swarmed by Secret Service agents. Eyewitnesses on the scene reported seeing a man in an Imperial Stormtrooper outfit amongst the crowd and then later fleeing the scene on a Joben T-85 speeder bike.
“Trump was in the middle of talking about how the only thing that could improve his chances of being elected was if he were to become some kind of martyr-like figure, and then the shots rang out,” Gene Polkaski, a Trump supporter said. “It’s not unusual to hear gunfire at a Trump rally, but usually it’s directed at chemtrails.”
Sheev Palpatine claimed no knowledge of the attack or any involvement of the Galactic Empire.
“I assure you the Empire has nothing to do with this and if a stormtrooper was involved then they were a rogue agent. clearly a traitor working with the rebellion. Trump is a dear friend of mine, I wish him a speedy recovery and have no doubt he will come out of this stronger and ready to take down rebel scum”
President Biden, urged to act quickly by his staff, scheduled an emergency press conference to immediately follow his evening nap and single scoop of ice cream, in order to calm the public, and disparage the actions of whoever tried to kill the shooter.
“This is obviously a very serious situation that President Biden needs to discuss with the American people, but he really needs the afternoon nap, trust me, you do not want to deal with him if he misses that one,” Chief of Staff Jeffrey Zients told the press. “Once the President has had his rest, and only after, will he address the public. He’s the only man who can do this job, so don’t even act like now is the time to take decisive action and put someone in his place who doesn’t get winded from talking. The President needs his 14 hours, and that’s that.”
At press time a group of MAGA supporters were erecting an impromptu memorial to the spot where Trump was shot.
