When Dr. Eggman announced his candidacy for President, I was thrilled to see someone finally standing up to the political elite and promising to implement common sense policy that would help working class Americans like myself by lowering the cost of eggs. What I didn’t expect was that as soon as he got elected, he would steal my Chaos Emeralds.
I voted for the guy because I was sick and tired of inflation. Did I expect him to immediately steal and then use my Chaos Emeralds to construct Eggmanland, a cartoonishly designed, hybrid theme park/city? No! He promised that he was divesting from any holdings he had in his companies.
Did Dr. Eggman repeatedly campaign on his plan to take over the world and reshape it into a robotic utopia in his image? Sure. But how was I supposed to know that he was serious about it?
I mean, c’mon, the guy is a successful entrepreneur. Sure, he’s filed bankruptcy multiple times after his robotics facilities were destroyed by that enterprising band of anthropomorphic animal heroes. But I think we all know that that blue-haired liberal Hedgehog is being funded by outside sources who are secretly funding his Antifa agenda with golden rings because they are hellbent on destroying America.
Do I regret voting for Dr. Eggman? Well, if I did, I guess I’d have to get rid of all of my Robotnik merch, like my hats, flags, beer coozies, bottle openers, commemorative coins, truck nuts, shoes, and so on. I’d also have to admit that I don’t really mind his hostile takeover of power and that it really is what I was voting for all along. And then I’d probably have to call my daughter to apologize. So hell no! What’s a few Chaos Emeralds in exchange for seeing those snowflake commie critters cry every day? His regime has been totally worth it, even if I’ve now been conscripted into service for the Robotnik empire.
