Brilliant industrialist and Shadow President-elect Elon Musk has recently suggested buying Hasbro, because this selfless hero has dedicated himself to solving all of mankind’s ills, and we’ll never get to Mars unless we stop Dungeons & Dragons from being woke first.
But he wouldn’t just own D&D if he did this! We’re talking about a massive century-old toy company with countless franchises under its belt, all of which could benefit from Musk’s signature charm. Let’s take a look at what he has planned for the Hasbro library.
Action Man
Action Man? Really? This is a toyline that’s existed for decades? That’s the kind of generic name someone would make up as a joke. The best thing we can do for this franchise is give it a better name. Something memorable that would help it stand out. Ooh, hey, you know what name I don’t think has ever been done before? “X.”
Axis & Allies
This World War II board game is going to be streamlined, removing a lot of unnecessary features nobody really needs that just make the game more frustrating and complicated. Also, the title is just “Axis” now.
Battleship
The objective is now to miss as much as possible. As soon as a player correctly says a ship’s location, they’re banned for sharing assassination coordinates.
Candy Land
And I thought New Phyrexia was Hasbro’s most miserable setting. True to its name, Candy Land has both candy and land. Vast swathes of untamed saccharine wilderness with no industry in sight. Where are the factories? Where are the stock exchanges? Do they even have Wi-Fi? Like his ancestors long ago, Elon Musk has a responsibility to bring civilization and industry to these savage people. We’re going to bulldoze all these candy forests and establish businesses that manufacture and sell candy until we’re rich enough to end the feudal reigns of King Candy and Lord Licorice. Sure, the rapid industrialization will eventually melt and acidify the Ice Cream Sea, but we won’t have to worry about that once we’re all riding a peppermint rocket to Candy Mars.
Clue
The old Clue sucked, because it encouraged logical thinking, which is boring, and its premise implies that rich people aren’t immortal. Instead of accusing the other players of being a murderer, the new and improved Clue will have you accuse them of being a pedophile. Are you actually right? Who cares? Your family board game night has never been livelier!
Don’t Wake Daddy
D&D is just a red herring. This is the real reason Elon Musk wants to buy Hasbro. Don’t Wake Daddy is quite literally the most anti-woke game of all time. The entire objective is to stop your father from becoming woke, and if he is woke, you lose. The future of Western Civilization hinges on Hasbro going all in on Don’t Wake Daddy. We need a million licensed variations, a merchandising push, a digital version designed with esports in mind, and obviously a feature film adaptation.
Dungeons & Dragons
Obviously, Elon Musk is going to undo the change that started all this controversy to begin with: removing the concept of “races” from D&D. From now on, there are different races with different inherent abilities, flaws, and personality traits, just as Ao intended. Elon’s not a big fan of the game’s class system, though. You mean there are different classes of people with their own unique valuable abilities? Even the poors? Where’s the CEO class that’s better than all the others?
D&D’s alignment system needs work too. The new description of “Lawful Evil” just sounds like a cool guy.
Furby
If you loved talking to Furby before, just wait until you see what he can do now! The next line of Furbies will use AI so you can have real conversations with him, with all the depth and complexity we’ve come to expect from LLMs! Comes in three different varieties: Erotic Furby, Racist Furby, or Both! (Batteries and enormous amount of water not included.)
The Game of Life
This one doesn’t need too many changes. It says the objective of life is to collect as much money as possible, easily Musk’s favorite of the big board games. But it is just a smidge unrealistic, isn’t it? You get married and have children as the game goes on, but where are the opportunities to get divorced, or have your children refuse to speak to you ever again? As far as Elon Musk is concerned, it’s not truly The Game of Life without those. But don’t worry, you can still have the most cash at the end while enjoying all the extra room that comes with being the only peg in your car.
G.I. Joe
In their next thrilling adventure, the military heroes of G.I. Joe will stop the evil Cobra Commander from nationalizing Bolivia’s lithium reserves.
Jem and the Holograms
What is this woke crap? So Jem is a woman, big first strike already, but all of the Holograms too? Who is this for, little girls? Little girls don’t watch cartoons, adult men do. We’re rebooting Jem to be about Vikings with guns.
Littlest Pet Shop
Introducing the newest, best littlest pet of them all: Doge! Get it? Like the funny Internet meme? Then we’ll add Pepe the Frog, another amazing meme that the left can’t do. Then we’ll just add a bunch of Wojaks and change its name to the Littlest MEME Shop, because memes are epic for the win! I can haz cheeseburger? You’re the man now, dog! All your base are belong to us! Mr. T ate my balls!
Magic: The Gathering
Magic’s color pie is in desperate need of a rebalance. More specifically, we need to buff White. A lot. White should be better than all the other colors, because Elon Musk is a White…player. In Magic. He always runs a White deck. Mono-White. No multicolors.
Monopoly
Name changed to “Genius Entrepreneurship.” To more accurately depict life as a rich person, players can no longer go to jail.
Mr. Potato Head
Fake potatoes should not cost more than real potatoes. That simply doesn’t make sense. In the name of efficiency, we’re growing potatoes now. You, toymakers, farm. I’ll be back at 5 to pick them up.
My Little Pony
Introducing a brand-new line of life-size pony dolls, just in case you ever need to offer a woman a horse for some reason. And wait until you meet the newest pony, Green Glimmers! Every toy of her comes with a cutie mark made of real emeralds! Don’t worry about where they came from.
Nerf
The Nerf brand is famously resistant to compromising its identity, corporate pressure be damned. As its legally binding slogan states, “It’s Nerf or nothing.” After careful review of the options available to him, Elon Musk will go with nothing.
Operation
The only piece you’re allowed to remove anymore is the Woke Mind Virus, which is located in Cavity Sam’s head and looks like a tiny version of him being considerate to someone else. He still has all the usual ailments too, but his health insurance doesn’t cover them.
Ouija
I’m sorry, Hasbro owns a way to talk to the dead and they’ve just been selling it in stores? I mean, at least they monetized it somehow, but they’re not using this to its full potential. Once we’ve reverse-engineered this thing to learn all its secrets, we’re going to integrate Ouija tech into Grok and perform a giant AI-powered mass seance until it’s learned the collective knowledge of everybody who’s ever died, including the full details of the afterlife. Truly, we will be gods.
…Hey, can the Ouija board talk to dinosaurs?
Peppa Pig
In a heartrending series finale, Peppa and her entire family will be slaughtered and turned into a giant plate of bacon, which a live-action Elon Musk then eats. This is followed by an hour-long presentation in which Elon Musk explains to the audience of crying children about how bacon is the most totally epic food of all time, and anybody who doesn’t like to eat bacon, whatever their reason (wink wink), is a bad person who should not be trusted.
PJ Masks
This pro-mask propaganda for children must stop! They’re normal kids without superpowers now, and the show’s name is PJ Faces.
Play-Doh
One of Play-Doh’s big selling points is that it’s non-toxic, coddling weak stupid children who think eating clay is a good idea. All the woke safe space-loving college students these days were once children playing with non-toxic Play-Doh. Coincidence? Yes, yes it is, but let’s change it anyway.
We’re making the Play-Doh toxic now. Your children will get a fun and educational toy that teaches the important lesson that life is harsh and, if you’re not careful, short. Plus, we finally know what to do with SpaceX’s industrial runoff. Now that’s a win-win! The existing reserves of non-toxic Play-Doh will be used to create bricks for low cost housing.
Power Rangers
For the past thirty years, the Power Rangers and their million spin-offs have heroically fought to protect the world from recycled footage of Japanese stuntmen. But isn’t it time they use their power and range to help out against real villains? In their next series, Power Rangers: Liberty Force, a new group of teenagers with attitude will kick the crap out of actual threats to society, like trans people, environmentalists, and anybody who still calls it Twitter. Their orders will come from Zordon’s son Better Zordon, played by Elon Musk himself, and also the Pink Ranger is in love with him. Oh, and the Zords are Cybertrucks.
Scrabble
A certain word formerly worth 8 points is now worth 14 trillion.
Sorry!
Discontinued for encouraging players to apologize for their actions.
Transformers
The Autobots will now all transform into Teslas and SpaceX rockets, while the Decepticons will turn into a robust public transportation system. When they’re not fighting to keep Earth’s energon reserves for themselves, everyone’s favorite robots will spend their free time drawing the worst pictures you’ve ever seen in your life.
Masters of the Universe
First, we’re going to make it so Skeletor canonically loves…what do you mean this is Mattel? Well how much are they? Fine, we’ll get them too if that’s what it takes.
You know, de facto control of the government will be fun and all, but it lacks that little personal touch of petty sadism that separates your regular everyday evil billionaires from Based Memelord Elon Musk. But being able to take away all of your own childhood memories…you just can’t put a price on that. He can, though.
