LOS ANGELES — Following the record setting box office grosses of The Super Mario Bros. Movie, Hollywood has vowed to completely ruin the whole video game movie thing within the next five years.
“Following Mario’s success, we think the message from audiences is clear here,” said Albert Cartwright, an executive at Universal Pictures. “Please keep making movies out of any video game you can get your hands on, and don’t ever stop, because this is exactly what we want. It’s hard to miss, honestly. It’s just like when The Dark Knight and Iron Man dropped in 2008 and everyone pleaded with us to do nothing but superhero movies for the next 15 years.”
“Here we go!” he yelled, appearing to do an impression of Mario, but not giving the voice much of an effort.
Many gamers fear that the success of the flagship Nintendo character’s animated debut have given movie studios the wrong impressions.
“I like Mario, and I enjoyed the Mario movie,” said Joe Doty, a local gamer. “But that doesn’t mean I need to see every video game I’ve ever played turned into a movie over the next few years. It was already getting bad. The Last of Us made sure that there will be a ‘serious game’ adaptation pipeline over the next few years. Now after Mario, we’re just gonna get everything else turned into a movie, aren’t we?”
“Oh god, I just realized Mark Hamill’s gonna be playing Spryo or Crash Bandicoot in the next few years,” he added. “There’s no way that doesn’t happen.”
As of press time, it was announced that James Wan would be directing an adaptation of sci-fi/horror game Dead Space, joining other upcoming video game adaptations such as Borderlands, Sonic the Hedgehog 3, Detective Pikachu 2, Silent Hill, Gran Turismo, Minecraft, Beyond Good & Evil, Death Stranding, The Division, Firewatch, Sniper Elite, Duke Nukem, Just Cause, Mega Man, Metal Gear Solid, Metro 2023, Gears of War, Streets of Rage, Dragon’s Lair, Mortal Kombat 2, Ark: Survival Evolved, Five Nights At Freddy’s, Sleeping Dogs, Portal, Space Invaders, BioShock, Just Dance, Ghost of Tsushima, Call of Duty, Tomb Raider, Days Gone, Pac-Man, Yakuza, It Takes Two, Sifu, and fucking Pac-Man.
