So you’ve slain a dragon, blasted a few aliens, and jacked a car while blasting Kenny Loggins—you can do it all. But does that fair maiden at the Olive Garden bar know you’re the ultimate catch? It’s time to let her know—we’ve got the pickup lines guaranteed to seal the deal.
- “Hello, weary traveler.”
This shows that you’re not like the other guys. You care about her commute. The 15-minute drive in her Prius probably felt like three days by horse. She is most likely in need of sustenance and you can provide her with something even better—a basket of endless breadsticks.
- “State your business.”
Try charming her with some professional energy. No frills, just hard hitting questions that force her to tell you, in detail, exactly what she’s doing at this Olive Garden and whether she is betrothed to another. Remember, women swoon when guys at the bar make them explain themselves
- “Why must ye keep bothering me like this?”
Opening with an accusatory question in a guttural dwarf voice is whimsical as hell. Add some merriment to her gloomy day. We have fun here and she should know. She’ll totally get that this is an inside joke between the two of you. You can follow this one up with a classic “I’m not like the other orcs—I’m bi.”
- “Allow me to offer you some unsolicited advice.”
The ladies can’t get enough of this one. Forget “Hi!” or “Come here often?” We’re not here to play a little boy’s game—we’re here to smash. When she says “no thanks,” hit her with some constructive criticism on her loudly displayed decolletage. She’ll be more than happy to sit and listen over two Sicilian Sunsets (if they’re on the happy hour menu).
- “Get a job!”
Playful, edgy, real—this pickup line has it all. I mean, what is this girl doing at the Olive Garden bar on a Tuesday at 3pm? Wait. She says she’s a server. Wow, a working girl. This means she has her own doubloons! Good for her! Well, it still works as a flirty way to grab her attention when yelled from across the room.
- “Bad time to get lost, friend.”
You’re two bowls of fettuccine alfredo deep and you grab the wrist of the waitress you thought was a lone patron. Don’t worry, this is not only acceptable, but encouraged at a family establishment like this. You know, statistically speaking, 60% of romantic relationships start at the workplace. This could be your meet-cute. She won’t be able to resist the raw sensuality of it all.
- “I do not fear death. Paradise awaits me.”
Time to show her who you really are. You’re a deep soul who’s lived a thousand lives. She may be calling her manager over to talk to you. Apparently you’re “creeping the staff out,” and “not wearing shoes,” but that’s just her way of playing hard-to-get. Later on in the night you’ll both laugh about this.
- “Obviously, you were raised by a naughty wizard.”
With just a tip of your fedora, this line will bring her to her knees. Be sure to add a sultry wink after the word “naughty” for full effect. She has no idea that you’re a dungeon master—a powerful storyteller and rogue warlock. Your magical staff will have her screaming for more, not unlike the way you begged for more grated parmesan.
- “By the way… Do you happen to know what the fine is here in Cyrodiil for necrophilia? Just asking.”
Looks like the cops just showed up. I wonder who they’re here for? What a bummer to have to deal with this in the middle of your mating ritual. Anyway, this pickup line is just for funsies. Everyone loves a joke about sex with the dead! Especially Jessica Hawthorne, part-time server at the Olive Garden on Central Avenue who lives seven blocks down and drives a red 2014 Corolla.
- “My hotel’s as clean as an elven arse.”
Seal the deal with next steps. Women love men with a plan. Let Jessica know you don’t have a hotel room, but you do have a bedroom at your parents’ house . You’ve also bleached your asshole for this very occasion. “Why the hell are you doing this to me?” she may ask. Before the authorities drive you away, let her know you’ve been waiting a lifetime for a woman like her to crush your balls in razor-sharp stilettos.
