CAIRO STATION — As the Human-Covenant war rages on, a UNSC marine has reportedly traded in their standard issue M12 Force Application Vehicle, better known as the Warthog, for a 2019 Dodge Charger, sources have confirmed.
“Look, I just got my first payment and I’m gonna spend it how I want,” said Private Chips Dubbo, standing proudly beside his Octane Red Charger. “The warthog is classic, but does it have a supercharged 6.2-liter V8 engine with over three hundred horsepower? Can it go zero to sixty in 6.0 seconds? Not even a Spartan could do that shit. You think I joined the space marines to shoot aliens with a rocket launcher? I mean, yeah, that was a part of it. But the main reason was to get this sick whip on the military’s dollar.”
Dubbo’s commanding officer, Gunnery Sergeant Stacker, weighed in on his subordinate’s decision to flagrantly put military hardware towards a 533-year-old sports car.
“This isn’t the first time this has happened,” Stacker explained. “I don’t even know where he’s gonna keep the damn thing. This is an orbital defense platform. There’s nowhere to drive. And he’s paying like 30% interest too… It’s absurd. These local dealerships are robbing the United Nations Space Command blind”
One of Dubbo’s squadmates, Private Janet Adams, shared first-hand insight into the long-term plans for the luxury vehicle currently sitting in impound.
“He’s a fucking idiot, dude is gonna be deployed in like three weeks,” she said. “He says he’s got a girl back on Reach who’ll ‘take care of it’ while he’s gone, but between you and me… She probably isn’t counting on him coming back. She’s sent like six ‘Dear John’ letters this year, but I haven’t had the heart to give them to him.”
As of press time, Private Dubbo has served tours of duty on Installation 04, New Mombasa, and several other key campaigns in the ongoing fight against the Covenant, making him a decorated war hero. The fate of his Dodge Charger remains unknown.
