Unbeknownst to the god-fearing, wooden toothed authors of the Constitution, the Latin influenced verbiage of the American bible is littered with curses and spells from ancient times. If this black magic falls into the wrong hands, chaos will reign—so naturally, here is an internet list of all the incantations hidden in the Constitution.
Habeas Corpus
While some Directors of Homeland Security falsely believe habeas corpus is the Presidential right to deport anyone he wants, the Latin phrases true origin dates back the the necromancers of old. Huddled around a shallow grave, witches and wizards would chant “Habeas Corpus” in an attempt to reanimate the corpses of their beloved kings and queens.
Enumeration
With a flick of the wrist and twist on a wand, “Enumeration” will multiply anything you want. Whether it be stone cold murderers, or escaped insane asylum maniacs, there’s gotta be some explanation how they keep upping the number of illegal immigrants.
Concurrence
One of the longest used incantations in modern politics, “Concurrence” is a spell that veils one’s words in mundane nomenclature that will make the eyes of any undecided voter glaze over. Perfect for filibusters and town halls.
Ex Post Facto
Fake News wouldn’t exist without “Ex Post Facto.” Trump and his entire Cabinet mutter this spell under their breath anytime they speak in public. “Ex Post Facto” can make any bullshitter sound like the most confident person on earth.
Quorum
A judicial incantation, this type of magic only works with a precise bang of the gavel.
Adjournment
This fantastical bit of magic allows elected Representatives to recess from Congress several times a year while having that session of Congress stay open, sometimes for months.
Pro Tempore
Also known asPro Tempura, is less a magic spell and more a skill. Occurring when lobbyists treat lawmakers to high-end sushi and Japanese cuisine, while planting seeds of misinformation about their global conglomerate’s ecological footprint.
Emolument
This old magic is a medieval spell of annulment, when kings and queens would invalidate their holy bond to bang whomever they choose without the judging wrath of God sending them to hell. Donald Trump and Melania have a similar agreement.
Veto
I bet you didn’t know the almighty power wielded by the President was rooted in sorcery.
Erazure
Kids today call this ‘disappearing,’ Erasure is a curse cast upon ICE agents that allows them to kidnap anyone they choose into unmarked vehicles.
Bear Arms
Misinterpreted to firearms, the right to Bear Arms originated in a Arthurian legend where Merlin grants Knights of the Round Table literal arms of a bear to defend Camelot.
Intoxicating Liquors
Witchcraft and wizardry goes far beyond spells and charms, Intoxicating Liquids include magic potions, the only liquid that stayed banned after the repeal of Prohibition in 1933.
Yeas And Nays
Legend says, when the seats of a bipartisan House are equal, the Yeas and Nays are the most magical words that can come out of a Representatives mouth.
Erection Of Forts
A spell of immediate shelter, this enchanting hex has an arousing side effect. Larry David revealed this was the inspiration for the iconic Curb joke–The Pants Tent.
