ANDOVER, Mass. — Local gamer Danny Murphy shared his recent befuddlement when trying drugs did not produce the same 15 seconds of screen wobbling he had expected.
“I recently decided to experiment a bit. I figured what is the worst that could happen? I’ve tried all sorts of cool guy drugs in games from Jet to Aurora and they never seemed to do much other than make the screen wobble for a few seconds. I figured something with a silly name like Molly would be no different. Let me tell you it lasts a lot longer and does a lot more! I woke up wicked sweaty in a pile of plushies” said Murphy when interviewed at his suburban studio apartment.
The occupants of the adjacent apartment to Murphy’s, who wished to remain anonymous, provided more detail about the events that unfolded.
“My family and I were enjoying a nice movie night when the theme from ‘Carnival Night Zone’ started rattling through our shared wall. I went over to ask him to turn it down, but he wouldn’t agree to that until I came in and touched his velvet Bubsy 3D poster because it ‘felt so good’. After I touched his poster he tried to tell me that Michael Jackson wrote the song he was playing, like I’d believe that. He kept mentioning this would be over anytime now, whatever that means.”
When reached for comment Murphy’s friend Leslie Drew noted,
“He’s always thought the weed minigame in GTAV was ‘so cool’ but wouldn’t listen when I told him that’s not actually what happens when you smoke pot. I keep telling him he needs to expand his horizons. This would have never happened if he played Disco Elysium.”
Murphy reported he wasn’t mad about the prolonged experience and shared he plans to see if other drugs do more than make his vision briefly wobble.
“Some people have told me to be careful and that drugs can be addictive, but as a gamer I know the local doctor can usually cure that for 70 caps or so.”
At press time, Murphy had reportedly told friends he was heading to Fenway Park to seek medical help from a physician.
