SEATTLE – Local gamer William Irons reportedly hasn’t left his basement to eat or sleep in 14 hours, instead opting to spend his only day off continually solo queueing ranked Valorant matches.
“I just need one more fucking win. It’s always my rank up and then some asshole will lock a duelist and then bitch about how we don’t have any smokes. Why should I have to do everything? All of my teammates today have been terrible,” complained Irons, crushing up an Adderall and stirring it into his energy drink.
“I should get a microwave down here, to go with the minifridge under my desk. Then I could make pizza rolls without standing up, which would probably help with the muscle atrophy and general fatigue.”
We reached out to several players that were in games with Irons in order to get another perspective on the situation.
“I matched with him for two games in a row, and he really brought the mood down both times. Any time he’d make a callout I could hear his stomach growling, and he really did sound like a zombie,” said hard-stuck Platinum player CSisBetter when we sent them a DM.
“We even won that first game, which was surprising because he instalocked Jett and then complained we didn’t have any smokes. It was a close match for sure. We won in overtime, but he still seemed really down about it and called us bad teammates right at the end. I confronted him about it when we matched again, but he kept interrupting me by saying I was gaslighting him and pretending he didn’t know what I was talking about. I’m pretty sure I heard him crying in the background at some point. He seems like a generally really nice guy and honestly I feel really bad for him. Maybe he needs therapy or something.”
We then decided to follow-up with Irons’ therapist, who really shouldn’t have replied to us at all because of patient confidentiality.
“He gets like this a lot. Maybe he’d be happier if he learned Brim or Omen like I keep telling him to, but he refuses to play any agents that aren’t duelists. I’m not a therapist, by the way. I’m really not sure how you got that impression, or how you found out where I live. We just play Warcraft together sometimes,” said Irons’ therapist.
“I am really concerned about him though. After his girlfriend left him because he couldn’t climb out of Gold I’ve barely seen him. Apparently he only eats frozen garbage, if he eats at all. I seriously am done talking to you though. Please get out of my house.”
In an attempt to better his mental health, Irons has decided to pick up League of Legends
