WASHINGTON — Following a rigorous and exhaustive inquest, the Federal Bureau of Investigation has officially concluded that there is no war in Ba Sing Se, officials at the FBI confirmed Thursday.
“As part of our ongoing commitment to transparency, the Federal Bureau of Investigation has conducted an exhaustive review of investigative holdings related to the alleged war in the four nations,” said FBI Director Kash Patel. “It was a long and arduous process, but we are very thankful to have had the cooperation of a local intelligence agency known as the Dai Li. After reviewing all of the facts and evidence available to us at this time, we are happy to report that the truth has been uncovered and there is, in fact, no war in Ba Sing Se.”
Earth Nation citizens, however, were quick to share their doubts regarding the FBI’s official verdict. We spoke with Kenji, a local zookeeper and activist in Ba Sing Se.
“Personally, I don’t buy any of it,” said Kenji, 51. “The FBI really expects us to believe that this hundred-year war just doesn’t exist? After everything we’ve seen and heard? There are Earth Kingdom citizens currently in prison for crimes they committed in relation to the ongoing war. How can they justify keeping these people locked up if the–”
Unfortunately, Kenji was unable to finish his statement, as he abruptly remembered he was late to an appointment in Lake Laogai, out in the country.
Earth King Kuei was eager to speak with Hard Drive to publicly thank the FBI for their thorough work, and to address the citizens of the Earth Kingdom directly.
“I want to express my immense gratitude to the FBI as well as the Dai Li for finally uncovering the truth and putting an end to all this pointless fear-mongering and misinformation. And to any citizens who still may be having doubts or fears regarding all of this, I would like to cordially invite you to a stress-free retreat at our luxury spa facility in Lake Laogai, where all your fears will be put to rest.”
At press time, Long Feng would like to speak with you, the reader, immediately.
