CHICAGO — A moving scene unfolded today as beloved husband, father, and gamer Marcus Stanfoot was met with a 21 light gun salute as he was lowered into his final rest point. He was 52.
Marcus was eulogized by Moss Hudson, a close Steam friend who he had never spoken to outside of Destiny 2 sessions.
“Today we press F to pay respects,” said Hudson, “Marcus was as much of a gamer as you could get. He grew up in the age of arcades. He was one of the first to be diagnosed with Nintendo thumb. His Steam library was more voluminous than the Library of Alexandria. But now he has unfortunately run out of continues.”
As the gamers in attendance shed their tears, they pointed mint-condition NES Zappers to the sky with sunlight-deprived hands and fired in three volleys as if flocks of 8-bit ducks soared overhead. Duck Hunt was, reportedly, Marcus’s favorite game.
The funeral was catered with Marcus’s favorite food. Taco Bell. DoorDashed, the way Marcus preferred to receive it. Baja Blast was poured onto Marcus’s gravestone so that he could enjoy one final drink of the elixir that had fueled his gaming life for years. On his gravestone the succinct words were chiseled: HE DIED.
Marcus is survived by his wife, Sarah Stanfoot, and their six kids: Zelda, Lara, Pong, Riven, Gordon, and Doomguy. According to Sarah, Marcus’s death was as tragic as it was inevitable.
“He had a heart condition,” said Sarah. “He was told not to do any intense cardio or play any rage-inducing games. I told him not to play Only Up, but he always had this overwhelming drive to play every game he could. He fell down to the start of the game for the eighteenth time or so and that was it. Game over. At least he died doing what he loved.”
Marcus was buried with his beloved Razer Viper V2 Pro gaming mouse in one hand and a PS5 Dualsense controller in the other, as “he believed in unity between console and PC gamers,” according to Sarah. The original intention was to also bury him with his beloved Nintendo Switch, but Sarah still has her Stardew Valley save on it.
