As a queer guy who plays bass, with one foot in the nerd world and one in the hipster world, Scott Pilgrim was a huge point of identity for me in my late teens and 20s. First, as the comics, then the movie, it felt custom-made to appeal to my particular tastes. A decade later, with an animated series reigniting its cultural relevance, I’m forced to look back on the franchise and its characters with the same combination of nostalgia and embarrassment I do my 20s in general. What better way to do that than by breaking down which characters I would have dated (if i was lucky enough to have a chance) during my 20s?
44. Knives Chau
I wasn’t dating high schoolers in my 20s. Who do you think I am, Scott Pilgrim?
43. Tamara Chen
I already said I wasn’t dating high schoolers in my 20s. At least Tamara didn’t date Scott Pilgrim.
42. Roxie Richter
Roxie is way too intense for young me. Even setting aside the fact she’s a lesbian, I’d be way too scared of her to want any sort of romantic relationship with her. I would try to befriend but she’d probably think I was hitting on her and smash me to death with a hammer.
41. Gideon
I would not have dated Gideon in my 20s because I already dated him when I was 18. He was an absolute nightmare boyfriend. He was manipulative, cruel, self-involved, and the most pretentious guy I’ve ever met. Truly an evil ex.
40. Nega Scott
The manifestation of Scott’s narcissism and self-deception would frankly be too high maintenance for me in my 20s. He’s also pure evil, or whatever, but mostly it just seems like a lot of baggage.
39. Joel MacMillan
The bass player for Crash and the Boys gets ranked this low because he’s a guy who plays bass. While I was in college I had no interest in dating a guy who played bass, because I was already a guy who played bass. I was pretty self-involved but even I wasn’t interested in dating myself.
38. Julie Powers
Even when I was 20 I absolutely hated parties. Julie seems to exist exclusively at parties. It would just be too much for my anxiety-addled heart, which is a shame because someone who would call me on my BS and make me socialize is probably exactly who I needed to be with.
37. Kyle Katayanagi
As a student in the humanities, I had no time for those creeps over in STEM fields. Now that I’m in my 30s I still have no time for those creeps over in the STEM fields. Robots are cool and all but knowing how to make robots? No thanks.
36. Ken Katayanagi
Everything I said about his twin applies to Ken but his outfit makes him slightly hotter than his brother. I wouldn’t have liked him or respected him, but I for sure would have hooked up with him anyway.
35. Matthew Patel
Matthew Patel is a theater guy which eliminates him automatically from the dating pool. Sure, I’d have made out with him if we were hanging out with a mutual friend or something. But I’d be too worried about feeling pressured into seeing a local production of Cats to actually date him.
34. Todd Ingram
Todd is undeniably hot and lust would have provided some initial attraction, but it wouldn’t last. Being a guy who plays bass is strike one, overconfidence is strike two, and being a vegan is strike three. In my defense, there were a lot fewer vegan-friendly restaurants back then.
33. Scott Pilgrim
I’m not proud to admit it but I would have gone out with Scott a few times. Honestly, anyone with an X-Men patch on their jacket would get at least one date. I’d figure out that Scott was an even more self-involved version of myself eventually, but it would have taken at least a few weeks.
32. Lawrence West Pilgrim
Scott’s younger brother only briefly appears in the comics, but he’s a sneaky version of the guy who plays bass, having loaned his bass to his brother. I might date him for as long as a month before discovering that unforgivable flaw.
31. Young Neil
I’d end up dating Young Neil on and off just because we’d both frequently be the guy hanging out on a couch while our cooler friends were hanging out. His bass playing and obsession with Scott would always lead me to break up with him, but eventually, we’d both be playing a Nintendo handheld at a party and get back together for a few days.
30. Mr. Chau
Knive’s dad would be ranked much lower if I met him before dating Scott. But assuming I met him after dating Scott Pilgrim I think his desire to murder Scott would be enough of a draw for at least a brief crush on my part.
29. Gideon
I dated Gideon before my freshman year and it didn’t work out, but I probably would have taken him back. Honestly, I don’t even remember why we broke up. I’m sure I had my reasons for breaking up with him, but at the least, I would have had a rebound fling with him.
28. Plumtree
Don’t get me wrong, I love Canadian indie rock band Plumtree as much as anyone but I just wouldn’t have had the confidence to date an entire band in my 20s. Still, if I’d heard Go or Only in the Movies live in a Toronto dive bar I would have taken a stab at it.
27. Lucas “Crash” Wilson
The frontman of Crash and the Boys, Lucas has few defining characteristics. But being a frontman in a band and having comically short songs would have been enough personality for me to take him out.
26. Sandra and Monique
I know exactly how this would play out. A friend would try to set me up with either Sandra or Monique, but never having seen them separately I’d forget which one. I’d have a few awkward interactions, hoping to figure it out, but I’d never piece it together. After a few attempts, I’d resolve to never talk to either of them again to avoid a potentially awkward situation.
25. Simon Lee
It’s a big reveal in the comics that Kim’s ex, Simon Lee, was just a regularly nerdy guy. “Regular nerdy guy” describes most of the guys I dated or wanted to date in my 20s, so Simon’s odds were pretty good.
24. Cole
Cole’s only characteristic is being a drummer. I was pretty into drummers in my 20s. Sure, let’s party.
23. Michael Comeau
Comeau’s defining feature is that he knows who everyone is. All throughout college people would approach me knowing my name and details about me, who I thought of as complete strangers. I would have dated Comeau just so he could tell me who those people were and how they knew me.
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