ANIMAL VILLAGE — Following a dip in the Stalk Market where turnip prices hit an all time low, a new generation of villagers are struggling to keep up and are now being priced out of home ownership. Realtor and entrepreneur, Tom Nook, discussed the housing crisis in a recent town hall meeting.
“The bell just doesn’t stretch as far as it used to, I’m afraid,” Nook said, prior to announcing a price increase to all Nook properties in the village. “It pains me, but I’ve had to turn away numerous new villagers. They hop off the train with their hearts full of hope and not a bell in their pockets. In my younger years, I would have loaned them some bells with a high interest rate, but now, there’s too much risk in it. I’ve got two young raccoons back at my store who I need to be thinking about.”
Going over his allotted time at the podium, Nook harped on about his concerns for the future.
“I’m worried about my small business,” Nook said, hat in hand and shoulders dropped, in a position he assumed would resonate with ‘the poors’. “If my realestate/furniture store/mobile phone/travel company goes under, I fear for not only the future of me and my boys, but this community as a whole. If us small business owners cannot survive, who can? That’s why I’m proposing a small, one-time loan from the Mayor’s office, to Nook Inc. For the sake of the village, of course.”
Booed away from the podium, Nook finally relinquished the mic to other villagers.
“If I can’t afford my home anymore, Nook shouldn’t get a bailout. You can’t have your cake and eat it too,” said Chops, a pig 20 years into his 30 year mortgage.
“Maybe if he did a GoFundMe we could all chip in to help, foxtrot,” said Audie, a fox villager, whose idea was met with exasperation.
“Let’s cut his head off and see what his insides look like, stuffin’,” said Stitches, a local bear who just started wearing a Luigi hat last week.
At press time, Nook announced that he was using the money raised by his GoFundMe to purchase an entire island.
