WASHINGTON — An unnamed DOGE official has successfully secured 1,000 Social Security numbers in hopes to trade them for a shoutout from the most popular female on Twitch, Pokimane.
With Pokimane possibly being the only woman the DOGE official has followed on Twitch, this unique barter/social media Harlow Monkey Experiment (with humans) might be the least surprising thing out of Musk’s government agency. So how did DOGE manage to find a thousand rubes to donate their Social Security numbers?
“Well, the process for converting Social Security numbers to a hopeful Pokimane shoutout was simple. We identified DOGE’s X prominent loser engagement and asked them if they want to be a patriot. Being well aware of how dumb and dangerous this is, these nihilistic jackasses can’t wait to say yes” chuckled the DOGE staffer as he gleefully finished a prototype code that made 9/11 First Responders owe the government money.
One of the people who voluntarily gave up their social security number was 13 year old Milo Houck, who was more than happy to do it.
“This is one of the best new ways to own the libs and fight the woke mind virus because Musk said so,” said Houck, who recently tried to legally change his last name to AF. “XXX-XX-XXXX for 42069? Count me in Dogefather because I can’t wait to become a meme” stated Bennet, a willing participant in Elon’s ketamine-fueled lottery.
But at the center of this storm, there’s Pokimane.
“It’s like I’m back in 2020 again. The guys who are still searching for a mother figure they can have sex with are back, along with the ‘property before people’ conservatives” groaned Pokimane. “Yeah, some may have found a different person to simp for. However, they’re mostly devastatingly single – and that’s kinda sweet for all of us” Pokimane added.
Although all critics of this trade have been silenced, blocked, or have copyright claims on their videos by either Pokimane or DOGE on X, it’s safe to say the Social Security numbers may be in better hands with Pokimane than they are with DOGE.
