SOUTH BEND, Ind. — Local gamer Steven Swanton has fallen into a deep depression that ruined his ability to tell Mountain Dew flavors apart.
“Things just haven’t felt right in a long time,” muttered Swanton, getting what few nutrients he could from the bottle of regular Mountain Dew he was pouring down his throat. “Found a goddamn nail in my car tire, my job doesn’t feel like it’s getting me anywhere, and Sonic Frontiers sucked way more than I thought it would. I used to get excited when I heard about stuff like the mystery-flavored Halloween version of Dew. Now I really don’t even care what kind of Dew I do, I just need the caffeine to get me through things.”
“I can’t tell Code Red from LiveWire, Diet Dew from Cane Sugar, Voltage from Spark,” he said, his head in his sticky hands. “Not once did I go to KFC to get the peach-flavored Sweet Lightning only they have, or the plum-berry-flavored Circle K-exclusive Purple Thunder, or Taco Bell’s Baja Blast; like, why bother at this point? Hopefully working with my doc will help me get back to enjoying the acidic beverage I fell in love with oh so long ago.”
“The Mtn Dew Baja Blues,” as gamer-centric therapist Dr. Beth Blowfeld calls it, is a very common occurrence.
“It takes a very bad depressive episode to cause a true gamer to lose their taste for the sour and sweet goodness of a fresh can of Dew,“ Blowfeld explained, lounging in an LED-lit gaming chair. “Luckily a few colleagues and I have been working on a treatment plan for just this kind of case. Along with thought exercises and a yoga regimen, I have a plan to shock Mr. Swanton’s system with daily doses of Flaming Hot Mountain Dew. We believe that the extreme and near-criminal taste may be enough to bring his lack of Mtn Dew flavor back, or he’ll die trying.”
In order to fight this growing issue, PepsiCo is reportedly working with pharmaceutical companies to create a new antidepressant called Radioactive Green Apple Wellbutrin, set to come out at local 7-Elevens in 2024.
Photo by Kevin Podas.
