WASHINGTON — Democratic leadership packed the aisles of the Boardwalk Bar and Arcade earlier this week as the continue timer on a Mortal Kombat cabinet ticked down to zero. After failing to take down Shang Tsung, Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer calmed onlookers, reassuring them that this was all a part of his master plan.
“Why put another quarter in now when I’m just going to find myself right back at the continue screen a few moments later?” Schumer said, jingling the change in his pocket. “I’d love to fight Shang Tsung again, but now is not the time. I’m going to work my way back up the ladder, taking small victories along the way against the likes of Kano and Lui Kang. It may take awhile, but I’m going to keep at it.”
A line of young democratic leaders behind Schumer groaned as he inserted four quarters, selected Scorpion from the character select screen, and restarted his accession up the ladder. Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was the most critical of Schumer.
“I guess we’re ignoring line etiquette now,” Ocasio-Cortez said, pointing to her quarters on the game cabinet. “We’ve been waiting hours for our time with that machine. He had some good fights here and there, but come on old man, it’s time to give up the sticks. Oh look at him, he’s just spamming Scorpion’s spear. He’s really phoning it in. That’s it. I’m gonna fight him.”
Across the bar, playing Donkey Kong in a secluded corner, Representative Nancy Pelosi had some words of wisdom for her younger counterparts.
“Good luck with that,” Pelosi said, as Jumpman grabbed a hammer and smashed down on some barrels. “You know how long it took me to convince Joe to get off the skee-ball table? You just got to wait it out. Old Chuck will tire himself and go away eventually. Now get out of here before people start thinking they can line up behind me for this machine.”
At press time Ocasio-Cortez inserted her quarters in an attempt to throw Schumer off the Mortal kombat cabinet.
