SUBCON — Super Mario Bros. 2 boss Birdo experienced a startling revelation regarding her anatomy when she decided to visit a doctor for the first time in decades, sources report.
“Yeah, apparently my eggs should not be coming out of my mouth,” Birdo mentioned. “According to the doctor, that’s what my cloaca is for. I’d always casually wondered if something was wrong with me, especially with how horrified and disgusted Mario and his crew always looked when I would vomit eggs at them in a gravity-defying straight line. I was just always too busy acting as a scourge to the land of Subcon and serving my master Wart to go to the doctor, but I guess I should’ve done this years ago.”
Birdo’s physician Anita Mueller was taken aback by what she saw.
“There is something desperately wrong with that poor dinosaur,” Mueller noted. “I have absolutely no idea how she’s managed to survive for the past 37 years, but I’ve already referred her to Subcon’s leading surgeon for some major reconstructive work. How she wasn’t able to grasp at some primal level that her body was not functioning as it should be is absolutely bewildering. It should have gone against all of her instincts to not only expel her eggs out of the wrong orifice, but to use them as weapons against her enemies.”
Video game biologist Davon Moore weighed in on the situation.
“It’s not uncommon for the genetic malformations of video game characters to go unnoticed,” Moore provided. “Do you think it’s normal for Dixie Kong to have long blond hair, let alone the ability to float by spinning it around so quickly? Or for Geoff Rowley to be able to get back up without injury and continue skating after being run over by a Minneapolis cab driver? I actually commend Birdo for getting herself looked at, even if it did take her so long to get around to it. I’ve always worried about her.”
At press time, Mueller was seen telling Luigi that his legs definitely should not be spasming like that when he jumps in the air.
