There’s a certain art to making movie posters: they have to be eye-catching, descriptive, and perhaps a bit prone to exaggeration on how good a special effect or monster might actually look. Or you just have people on the internet do it for you and hope it becomes memetic enough to do the marketing team’s work for them.
It can also be one of the most effective pieces of world-building in a videogame or movie. It shows what sorts of priorities people in-world and the kinds of events that have happened in the fictional world of the game. Who could forget the thrill of seeing a Batman VS Superman poster in teased background of “I Am Legend,” only to be met with the crashing disappointment of the reality of a movie that hates half of its title characters and worships the ground the other walks on.
But beyond the world that the poster exists in, I’m fascinated by how effective they are at making me want to see a given movie. Fascinated enough to rank them, at least, by how good they are at marketing a fake movie to me.
76. Sister Act IV: Making Whoopie (Duke Nukem 3D)
I’m all for a “stag film,” as the kids definitely still call it, as much as the next fellow, but this is low-effort even by porn-title attempts. Also neither of these women resemble Whoopi Goldberg nor are either dressed as a nun, making the pun doubly ineffective. Though it WAS ahead of the curve on the incest trend, but that’s not enough to keep it from rock-bottom.
75. Ace Startracer Episode XII (Video Horror Society)
A sci-fi multi-sequel in a franchise is already a tough sell, but this cover is little more than a font treatment over some vague science fiction imagery, it tells me nothing about spills, thrills, NOR chills.
74. Ace Startracer Episode XI (Video Horror Society)
Look, we all like the big planet with the little moon in the foreground, but c’moooon. Gargantor, at least, sounds like he’s down for a good time.
73. Ace Startracer Episode X (Video Horror Society)
Everyone knows the best movies all contain X in their titles, and that is why this one sits at the top of the Ace Startracer heap. I sadly wouldn’t trust any of these movies to keep me entertained on a Friday night at the local video rental place/online streaming service that has 1000 movies exactly like this.
72. 3D Gobzilla VS Earth-Eater (Shadow Warrior)
I have never seen a Godzilla knock-off that I have enjoyed more than an actual Godzilla movie. I’m not going to say there aren’t ANY, but “Gobzilla” doesn’t fill me with hope with its low-effort title. I get a bad feeling there’s going to be “comedy dubbing” that’s just a white dude doing a “””””hilarious””””” accent.
71. The Shadow of Alizarin (Video Horror Society)
This will become a recurring theme, but any movie that purports to resurrect its more popular star loses a few notches for not being able to come up with an interesting enough idea to keep them dead. It does go up a few notches for a decently evocative cover.
70. Laura & Max (The Quarry)
This looks like exactly the kind of ‘70s movie I don’t like. There was lead in the air and the drinking water, and you could often tell by the kinds of low-budget movies that were produced then. This will probably vacilate between torture porn and sexcrime and the biggest asshole at the party will call you a pussy for not liking it.
69. Two Feet Under
(Video Horror Society)
What I said above about children’s comedy applies slightly less to child-centric horror movies. While kids were permitted to watch a lot more adult media, the media designed for kids was run through crappy committee one after another, and maybe ONE person working on it had met a child briefly, but it was also the 1950s and it might have just been a short adult.
68. Webcam Wanderer
(Marvel’s Spider-Man 2)
This is the kind of movie that wasn’t POPULAR in theaters, but would have been popular ENOUGH on-video. Written by men in their 60s who didn’t even know how to get porn on the internet, but thought they knew enough to write a whole movie starring a 20-something Canadian actor playing a teeanger, and it’s just going to be boring. You can tell she’s going to start the movie not liking the lead and by the end she’ll happily settle for him.
67. Streets of Slay III (Video Horror Society)
This feels like the kind of sequel that was made by a completely different company on the cheap and is suddenly COMPLETELY missing the point of the earlier movies a la Robocop or that first Judge Dredd movie.
66. The Creeping Chaos (War of the Monsters)
Genuinely, giant bug movies either actually creep me out, or do absolutely nothing for me. This looks to, at least, be on the more entertaining side but not the kind of thing I’d ever check out.
65. We Got Company (Marvel’s Spider-Man 2)
Nah, this looks like a generic military shooter of a movie. The kind of thing that Gerard Butler would be in and it’d be sold in bait shops, for some reason.
64. Sister Act III (Duke Nukem 3D)
You know, the fact that this used to be considered ‘edgy’ does sort of endear it to me. I feel like it’d have a surprisingly good plot or script because it had delusions of making it to Cinemax.
63. Above the Law (The Quarry)
Italian knock-off Ted Raimi returns, but this one looks like it might actually be about something rather than just Chuck Jaegering the viewer into passing out from disgust via the sheer g-force of how hard it’s trying to be violently transgressive.
62. Elektra Force III (Video Horror Society)
A threequel to a superhero kid’s movie that can’t bother to have a cool, illustrated cover? Nah. Only gets this high by presumably being less unbearable than anything beneath it.
61. Kate and Kevin (Marvel’s Spider-Man 2)
Every now and again, you need the rom-com equivalent of a bowl of popcorn. Plus Vijay and Lucas saw it on their first date, and those two have at least half-decent taste. Nothing wrong with it, but not something I’d go out of my way to watch.
60. Junkentstein’s Revenge (Overwatch)
Nothing like a regrettable cash-in sequel to do everything worse than the original for the sake of a quick buck, huh? Yeah, yeah, I’m talking about the movie poster. Nothing else.
59. A Pound of Flesh (The Quarry)
This has the title of an also-ran torture porn, but the font choice and excellent use of lighting to make it look like it’s going to at least TRY something interesting bring it up several notches.
58. 505 Terminus (Video Horror Society)
With that title and this cover, I would absolutely give this a try on a night where I’m definitely watching more than one movie. Because this will either be an unknown classic with a bit of moxie or insufferably dull and it’s probably going to be the latter. But maybe…JUST MAYBE not.
57. The Man With the Dark Past (Marvel’s Spider-Man 2)
The title makes me think it has some self-awareness, but everything about the cover screams “low-rent Eastern European action movie featuring Erik Roberts and Bai Ling.” It will probably be competent, but not terribly interesting.
56. W.A.R.T.S. (Video Horror Society)
I don’t mind a low-budget rip-off of Alien, but you’re being bold if it manages to get a sequel and you decide to rip off the title style of one of THE BEST sequels ever made. You’d better deliver, and I seriously doubt the ability of the movie to.
55. Battle of the Titans (War of the Monsters)
Maybe before 2013, this would have made it higher up the list. But in a world where Pacific Rim exists and is both a great movie AND glorious schlock, if you’re going to give me titans battling, you simply need to do more.
54. The Other Side of the Nation War (Starfield)
C’moooooon, look at it. This thing has “low-effort sci-fi created to to appeal to Newsmax readers” written all over it. Kevin Sorbo’s in this thing as an Admiral who defies the beaurocrats and dies heroically, Kelsey Grammar is going to be the secular, intellectual villain, and Ted Nugent will somehow be on the soundtrack. But at least the ship designs will be decent.
53. Spectral Collectors (Video Horror Society)
Nothing ages like bad comedy. Except bad parody. The only reason it ranks this high is that excellent logo, I appreciate a great bootleg logo and this might just be enough to risk a rental on.
52. Return of the Interceptor (Starfield)
Far be it from me to suggest I’m too good for a dumb action movie, but this one looks just a little TOO self-aware to be making it much higher than this, in a way that’s going to be constantly nudging the viewer in the ribs. Unless this is a brilliant, MacGruber-style parody, it’s probably not as entertaining as it thinks it is.
51. Love’s Labour’s Lost (The Quarry)
This can’t possibly deliver on how powerful and terrifying the cover wants you to think it is, but it’s the kind of weird, high-art horror movie I’ve gotten more and more into recently. It’s the kind of movie that will fail interestingly, and I’ll take that over succeeding boringly 9/10 times.
50. Inside the Viper’s Nest (Starfield)
If a sci-fi movie had the guts to declare itself based on a true story, I think that’d at least sell me enough to give its plot synopsis a read. It looks like something that would be surprisingly low-budget for how well it pulls off its setting. There’s definitely a few external establishing shots of the ship, but the movie is set entirely in the interior.
49. Helping Hand (The Quarry)
A sentient hand is a good concept if pulled off well. It’s been done very well a couple of times, and done hilariously badly most times, and I think this is interesting enough to see which category this falls into.
48. The Curse of Alizarin (Video Horror Society)
I don’t know if that’s a museum or the White House, but either way: I’m at least slightly intrigued by this. The fact that it seems like a pulpy spin on Indiana Jones starring a cat thief would definitely help sell me, that’s a solid concept. But movies like this tend to live or die on their star and script, and I don’t think this has “it” with either. It needs Pam Grier or Cynthia Rothrock.
47. Ambrisio (Immortality)
This looks like the kind of thing that would be taught in an advanced-level film class, and for good reason. But you just know there’s a scene where someone eats their own intestines or licks someone’s eyeball out of the socket, or something that a professor will swear is necessary for the plot as half the class vomits. But it will DEFINITELY be interesting.
46. Dollmouth Part III (Video Horror Society)
Any sequel set after the villain canonically died, only to be brought back, is doomed from the start. It essentially means that the creators underestimated how much people were showing up for “the monster” and how few cared about “the vision.” That having been said, it’s a great, eye-catching poster that probably delivers exactly what it promises.
45. A Fool’s Errand (The Quarry)
I like “Duel,” I like “Joyride,” I’d be absolutely willing to give this wonderful-looking trash a shot.
44. Forever Amethyst (Video Horror Society)
Fantasy tends to scale down budget slightly better than sci-fi, to a point, and while this series finale has a lot more going for it than some of the above, it’s still the kind of movie that’s going to have just enough sleaze to keep it interesting, but that’s also going to push me away.
43. Outpost X (War of the Monsters)
Something about this, despite starring the best Cell, screams that it’s reach is exceeding its grasp. There’s no way the robot will look that cool unless it’s a matte painting, at which point it can’t possibly do cool besides loom.
42. Fractured Amethyst (Video Horror Society)
This is the most INTERESTING cover of the three of the Amhethyst movies, and the only reason it’s one rank lower than the first in the series is that firsts tend to be better. And obviously I need to see it or I’ll be lost among all the complex, layered lore that makes up the background of this softcore fantasy romp.
41. Forbidden Amethyst (Video Horror Society)
The first in the series AND the best cover. Looks like a fun, fluffy low-budget fantasy movie that probably goes easy on the more sleazy side of that genre.
40. Armored Hell (Starfield)
Anytime a movie has a cover that’s trying so hard to look gritty that it wraps around to feeling sterile, it’s going to evoke a very specific time in filmmaking and this has “shot on greenscreen and ADRed after-the-fact written all over it. It’s got no names I recognize, but does the “based on a true story” thing again, and I’m going to assume T10 is some manner of acting robot, which is the exact reason this made it higher than other somewhat generic sci-fi fare.
39. Bumpy Grinds (Marvel’s Spider-Man 2)
I have a soft spot for competent-but-mostly-bad movies starring charming people. And “Unqualified and Inexpereinced” sounds like a romp, so why not roll the dice on this?
38. W.A.R.T. (Video Horror Society)
Alien is an unassailable classic that spawned enough low-effort knock-offs to overrun a colony and require intervention from a squad of marines. Nothing about this, though, says ‘low-effort,’ I think the fish man design is great, I think the idea that it was created in a lab is a cool spin on the concept, and I think it looks genuinely fun.
37. Minsky (Immortality)
No two ways about it: this looks like an erotic thriller with something on its mind. It looks like it’d be a truly fun night in on the sofa with some wine. The acting’s probably better than you think, the script is probably worse, and that probably comes together to be surprisingly entertaining.
36. Streets of Slay II (Video Horror Society)
A sequel that takes the well-liked protagonist from the first movie and puts them immediately into unfamiliar territory? Yeah, I’ll take it. There are likely some INCREDIBLE accents in this, some wonderful Americans playing British people, British actors inexplicably playing Americans.
35. Destroyer Wave (War of the Monsters)
DO NOT get it twisted: I love a kaiju movie, I love a tokusatsu movie, I love a giant mecha movie…but this is probably not going to be high on my list just because I don’t speak nor read Japanese. And I’m less interested in malevolent mecha than good ones.
34. Keepsakes (The Quarry)
Now we’re getting the actually good shit! This looks like a weird, dark horror movie with enough on its mind to be interesting, but not SO MUCH that it falls in love with itself and becomes obsessed with showing the viewer how cool and transgressive it is.
33. Dollmouth Part II (Video Horror Society)
Looks genuinely scary. Twin dolls? Papa’s back? This would give Full Moon Productions a run for its money any day of the week, and has the kind of special effects that don’t look ‘realistic’ but do manage to somehow look ‘real.’
32. Elektra Force II (Video Horror Society)
There’s a lot more effort in this cover than the third one, and it’s different enough from a lot of more boring-looking ‘90s superhero kid’s fare, that it’d be worth picking up as the central choice in a longer marathon.
31. The Eye of Alizarin (Video Horror Society)
Unlike most low-budget sequels, this to me says that this series was intended to have multiple entries. This is also by far the most well-realized of the three covers, this one would absolutely get my attention.
30. Distraction (The Quarry)
Lance Henrickson and Ethan Suplee being weird in the woods? Sign me up twice! They’re probably tracking bigfoot, and the costume’s going to be RIDICULOUS.
29. Two of Everything (Immortality)
John Durick has shown up a couple of times on this list, and this is the most interesting poster yet. Probably not one for a bad movie night as it looks like it could be actually good, and also probably contains more nudity and sex than would be comfortable for a group viewing. Or I guess it’s a shoe-in, depending on the kind of movie nights you have.
28. Watch Your Step (The Quarry)
Now we’re getting to the titles being a huge part of the interest, and the art sells the ‘it could be anything in the basement’ concept exceptionally well. A tense supernatural piece or ‘trapped in a house with a killer,’ anything could be behind this cover and I’d love to find out exactly what.
27. Streets of Slay (Video Horror Society)
A vigilante-style punk hunting ‘mutants’ in a post-apocalyptic city is an excellent idea and the art absolutely sells it as exactly what it’s going to be: gritty, violent, containing adult situations and nudity that is absolutely NOT integral to the plot.
26. Terror In Space (War of the Monsters)
It looks like a knock-off of “This Island Earth,” and I find movies that knock off old crappy movies are generally a lot better than those that knock-off modern, good ones. Truly, it’d be hard to be worse than “This Island Earth,” and I’ve seen that plenty.
25. They Came From Beyond the Moon (Overwatch)
Gives me big vibes of “Lost Skeleton of Cadavra,” a modern parody that could easily pass muster as a genuine movie of the time it’s mocking. This particular one would probably be slightly more self-aware than I’d prefer, but it’d still be a good time.
24. Once Bitten, Twice Shy (The Quarry)
This movie looks genuinely frightening, a little bit sexy, and like it has a great concept behind it. Anytime you get a woman directing one of these old horror movies, it’s a unique vision at the very least and you’re likely to come away having not imagined where it was going.
23. First and Last Day (Marvel’s Spider-Man 2)
Looks self-aware enough to be fun but not nearly enough to be in on the joke. Comes off more like a skilled parody than a cheap knock-off and these days, that’s wroth quite a lot.
22. Howl High III (Video Horror Society)
At this point a movie like this feels more like an obligation than a passion project, and the previous two seem cool enough to stand on their own. The lack of eye-catching visuals is ultimately what drags this down, but I’m such a fiend for closure that I’d still check it out.
21. Hero of My Storm (Overwatch)
This feels like the kind of thing you’d see at a convention more than a video store, and when you got it home, it would be a surprisingly good fan film with surprisingly decent acting and a laughably bad script. In other words: exactly what you’d hope for based on the cover.
20. Attack of the Bleached Blonde Biker Bimbos (Duke Nukem 3D)
You ever see an Andy Sidaris movie? This looks like it’d be on that level. Yeah, it says it’s rated XXX, but no movie actually rated that wouldn’t have nudity on the cover, so I’m assuming it’s an affectation. If not, it’ll at least be an X-factor for a movie night. An XXX-factor, even!
19. Finders Keepers (The Quarry)
Maybe it’s the reference to a child’s nursery rhyme, maybe it’s the hanging hog, but something about this just looks like it’s going to be horrid, but incredibly compelling. Or it will be an absolute shit-show, it’s genuinely hard to tell with art like this, but there’s enough here to at least make me think it will be a decent watch.
18. Electra Force (Video Horror Society)
A superhero movie starring a woman is already an odd rarity these days, going back to whenever this was made (probably the ‘80s) would be an absolute crapshoot, but the fact that there are three of these would give a bit of hope. The first one’s cover, at least, does justice to the concept. Plus I’ve always had a weakness for electricity-based superheroes.
17. Battle for Atomic Island (War of the Monsters)
I love atomic-horror sci-fi movies. It’s such a delightfully ham-fisted fear. Before computers could do anything in a movie, atomic energy could do anything, and the characters just stated it plainly. This looks like a throwback to the ‘50s that would have come out in the ‘80s, maybe they got a warehouse that they’re trying to pass for an ‘abandoned nuclear plant,’ either way: I want to see this MOVIE! Especially as the voice actor for Cell, Damien Clark, makes an appearance!
16. Dollmouth (Video Horror Society)
The thing about Full Moon Productions’ “Puppetmaster” movies is that they leaned a bit too hard on the style of the time: turning villains into marketable anti-heroes. Dollmouth doesn’t seem like the kind of thing that would do that, Dollmouth strikes me as being invested in keeping the monster monstrous, and this cover sells that concept brilliantly.
15. The Tragic Tale of Junkenstein (Overwatch)
Hal-Fred Glitchbot doesn’t do bad work, he’s literally not programmed to. His magnum opus being an adaptation of Mary Shelley’s classic “Frankenstein” is the perfect setting for him to finally deliver on a real vision and prove that robots SHOULD be allowed to make movies! Something we can all get behind in 2023.
14. Pieces of Silver (The Quarry)
You just know this movie’s in love with itself in a way that will ensure you get ludicrously over-the-top performances, obvious twists that are sold like they’re the second coming of “The 6th Sense,” and have a villain that pontificates on Philosophy and Religion 101 points like they’re mind-melting high art. In other words: a near-perfect pick.
13. The Silence of Sand (Starfield)
This looks like a genuinely high-budget attempt at some epic sci-fi in the vein of Dune or the original Star Wars movies, and I would pick it up just to see if the attempt succeeded.
12. The Evil Never Dies (Video Horror Society)
Evil Dead had its share of knock-offs as did the Nightmare on Elm Street movies, but combining the two might have been a short road to schlocky goodness. We may never know as, ironically, the two had plenty of individual knock-offs but precious few that combined them.
11. Team Building (The Quarry)
NOW we’re talkin’! This looks like a camp counselor horror movie that uses the setting just to set up a slew of disposable idiots. It COULD also take place in an office or lab that one of the cast or crew has access to and they simply built a movie around it. Looks like the kind of movie that saves a bad movie night.
10. Day of the Colossus (War of the Monsters)
One thing I love is seeing an interesting concept done a low-budget, and genuinely: there’s a lot of giant monster movies that skirt around showing the monster. Plus it stars the best Cell voice actor, I couldn’t turn that down!
9. Some Like It Bot (Overwatch)
It’s a parody of old-timey movies starring robots. If you don’t understand why that’s awesome, get ready to be confused about the rest of the list too.
8. Patrol Out of Control (Marvel’s Spider-Man 2)
This could be damn near anything. A coming-of-age story, a techno-terror thriller, a slow-build supernatural horror movie, I don’t know what it is but something about this just fires my imagination up. It could be crap, it could be incredible, but it WILL be interesting.
7. Gepetto (Starfield)
I loved Ex Machina. I loved Binary Domain. This very strangely looks like the two of them met in a classy bar and decided to have sex in the restroom. It’s probably going to be a little more pretentious than I normally like, but the concept will be genuinely interesting.
6. Cerebulon Destroyer of Worlds (War of the Monsters)
LOOK AT IT! It’s some kind of tentacle ship destroying the White House, this is the kind of thing that headlines a bad movie night and becomes an instant staple.
5. Laser Love (Starfield)
A sci-fi action/romance with an LGBTQIA+ spin!? Yeah, I’m on-board. Don’t need to know anything else about it besides this cover, I’m there. This looks awesome.
4. Detective Retrowave (Marvel’s Spider-Man 2)
Look at it. Look at the tagline. Look at how stupid and incredible this looks. This has the look of something that would become the highlight of the night and a recurring fixture of bad movie nights going forward.
3. 657 Ways to Die (Marvel’s Spider-Man 2)
Do you not SEE the tagline?! THEY FOUND ANOTHER WAY!
2. Howl High (Video Horror Society)
I’ve always had a weakness for werewolves, and a Teen Wolf riff probably would have been enough to sell me. But then they only went and added vampires to the mix AND had the werewolf be the odd man out? That sounds like a movie I genuinely want to watch and wish was real.
1. Howl High II (Video Horror Society)
And how do you top THAT? Well, if it’s the late ‘80s into early ‘90s: you do the same movie starring a G-G-G-G-GIIIIIIIIIIRL! “Full Moon Fever” is a great subtitle, they include the rest of the poem that people don’t know exists in the tagline, and the werewolf actually looks like an awesome wolf instead of a dog girl who’s still ‘sexy.’ It looks like a perfect sequel to a perfect concept, and that’s why it goes here!
