PINELLAS COUNTY, Fla. — The controversial Horny Jail, a maximum security prison for people who are “horny on main,” has come under scrutiny after the warden admitted the institution was a total mistake.
“I think this whole thing was poorly thought out,” said warden Davlos Emmanuile. “Putting all the horniest people together has only made things worse. It’s basically been one non-stop orgy since I started here. I’ve seen every position, every possible fetish. It really shows you the seedy underbelly of human nature. That’s not a metaphor, by the way. The seedy underbelly is a new sexual position they invented in here.”
The warden admits there were some mistakes that made Horny Jail even more depraved than it should have been.
“Sorting the cell blocks by fetish was a real oversight,” he confessed. “We realized our mistake after the great furry circle jerk of ’09. Of course, mixing the inmates together caused new problems. A lot of inmates started finding new fetishes, which only makes them hornier. Then there’s the problem with masochists—the more we punish them, the hornier they get. How are we supposed to deal with that? This whole thing has made me question the horny punitive model. A lot of our inmates don’t even want to leave when their sentence is up.”
Perhaps the most outspoken critics of the prison are its own janitorial staff. Citing long hours and gross work conditions, the custodians have gone on strike.
“It never stops,” said janitorial union boss Diego Placide. “By the time we clean up one puddle of human fluids, they’ve made three more. It’s not just mopping, either. They get fluids on the walls, the furniture, and even the ceiling. I once had to individually clean every book in the library. It turns out sexual bibliophiles are a thing. Who knew?”
While some have called for abolishing Horny Jail altogether, others claim the problem is simply overcrowding caused by the “straight to horny jail” policy.
