BOCA RATON, Fla. — Debuting his brand-new dating profile, local Tinder user David Bloom, 29, advertised his long-held passions for eating food, breathing fresh air, and sleeping in a bed, unimpressed sources report.
“I thought the fresh air thing was about, like, camping,” said Jennie Nevena, who matched with Bloom earlier this evening. “But no. He just literally likes the feeling of filling his lungs with air. And the food thing? He doesn’t mean, like, cooking food, or even eating good food. He said that his favorite food was ‘Chipotle.’ I guess I’ll just see if I can get him to buy me a burrito bowl or something before I block him.”
Despite the criticisms, Bloom remains confident that his profile will one day attract the woman of his dreams.
“I’m really not like other guys,” asserted Bloom, smiling blankly. “For example, I like to laugh at funny internet videos. Sometimes I will even laugh at a video with a cuss word in it. My quirks might turn some women off, but I need to be true to who I am. I just have to hope that there’s a woman out there as kooky as I am.”
Responding to a recent influx of bachelors like Bloom, Tinder has announced the rollout of a new program to connect them with like-minded partners.
“Yeah, it’s called ‘Tinder Normcore,” said Tinder COO Sharmistha Dubey, shuffling some papers around at a recent press conference. “Or, wait… fuck, sorry, I wasn’t supposed to say that part. But, uh, basically, any time a guy posts a picture of himself holding up a fish, we’re going to use our cutting-edge machine learning algorithms to instantly connect him with a girl who says she ‘wants to go on adventures’ but by ‘adventures’ really means smoking cigarettes in a CVS parking lot. I will not be taking any questions.”
At press time, Bloom was feeling good about his chances with a very talkative sex-chat bot.
Like this article? Check out our merch store!
