MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. — Slowly simmering ever so discreetly, sexual tension began to fester between two lone collaborators in the same Google Doc, sources have confirmed.
“Lately I’ve been getting the vibe that Anonymous Rhino wants to have sex with me,” remarked Mike Lauber, one of two collaborators in the marketing research document. “All the tell tale signs are evident: he’s been resolving my comments all night long, he’s been moving his cursor so provocatively, and his clipart rhino profile picture is totally giving me bedroom eyes! He clearly wants inside me, and I’m certain I’m not misreading this situation. He’s probably just playing hard to get, like the dirty little randomly assigned animal he is. Ugh, I literally get goosebumps just imagining what’s under that disguise of his. I bet it’s his first initial with a maroon background — fuck, that’s hot.”
Anonymous Rhino, also known as Taylor Schloman, 32, is tired of being consumed by constant, intense lust every time she uses Google Docs.
“Why did Google think they could let us share these documents with each other and our crotches wouldn’t get all horny about it?” asked Schloman. “They should’ve known better! I truly want to be a productive person, but I just can’t when that guy’s cursor is sitting there so mysteriously hot. Sure, Google Docs is a nice tool to write, organize and share things with your peers, but everyone knows that’s all just a cover-up of the fact that they’re hiding the world’s largest sex cult right in front of our eyes.”
Google’s head software engineer, Corey Mendel, opened up about the creation of Google Docs.
“When we set out to create Google Docs, we kept asking ourselves one single question: how can we create a space where absolutely nothing sexual happens, yet everyone is turned on anyway?” explained Mendel. “Needless to say, we did exactly that. Our data has shown 97% of users feel an odd yet pleasant flutter in their pelvic region any time someone joins the same Doc as them.”
As of press time, Google experienced a server outage after 9 million users typed “8===D” at the same time.
