FRESNO, Calif. — Local gamer Dan Maldonado broke down the composition of the new PC he’s building, mentioning that he’s planning on adding a silent cooling fan that will allow him to never shut up about it.
“It’s extremely rewarding to finally be building my own rig. How am I expected to fully engage with the next generation of AAA open world RPGs with a graphics card that can only rock 768 shaders? It’s like trying to run Ragnarök on a microwave,” said Maldonado while sipping Celcius from a HydroFlask covered in stickers of Arthur Morgan smoking weed. “But above everything, I’m incredibly hyped for this silent cooling fan. Playing CyberPunk on max settings is cool, but I’ve always dreamt of a computer powerful enough to let me loudly talk about it for the rest of my life!”
Since he started the process of building his own gaming PC, many close to Maldonado have expressed dissatisfaction with his nearly constant chatter about it.
“Jesus, the whole thing has been going on for like, a year at this point. At first, he’s just sending me TechRadar articles, ‘The Best CPUs of 2022’ or whatever, but now he’s holding up our D&D group for twenty-five minutes every single session, going on and on about he feels something akin to ‘horny’ about how hard he’ll be maximizing his refresh rate,” said Harris Anderson, a longtime friend of Maldonado. “We used to hop on Discord and just have a laugh, but now he basically just brags whenever we talk, saying shit like ‘Stardew Valley is gonna look like Barry fucking Lyndon.’ It’s unbelievably annoying.”
The CEO of Noctua, the Austrian computer hardware company that designed this high-powered fan, spoke about the product at a press conference in Vienna last week.
“The requests for a more formidable design were pouring in, emails around the clock,” said CEO Leopold Speck, “PC gamers from every corner of the globe have been complaining to us that the fans on their PCs are so damn loud that they can’t get their voices heard to all the people in their lives who need to hear about the PC they built. As this is our primary audience, we knew we needed to solve this issue. Despite the oversized PC towers and the booming fans, we see you and we hear you. From now on, men who build PCs will finally be heard, thanks to our extremely silent cooling fans.”
At press time, however, Maldonado was unfortunately unable to find someone to brag about his new rig after permanently blinding himself with the brightest RGB lights known to man.
