SAN FRANCISCO — Executives at Reddit are reportedly terrified of their newly muscular users after protests have stopped them from masturbating for two whole days, according to sources from within the company.
“These guys have been jacking off 30 or 40 times a day. Now thousands of porn subreddits have gone dark and they’re all super jacked?!” Reddit CEO Steve Huffman reportedly yelled at a meeting. “I thought this whole semen retention thing was fake! Who knew we had an army of angry users at our door being held back by nothing but terabytes of extremely specific pornography?!”
“We need to figure out something to do,” Huffman then said. “We can fly planes over every city in the United States and drop porn and hentai from them, like the government did in Berlin with food after World War 2. If we can just get these fuckers to jack off once, I think they’ll all deflate. But if we let them stay this powerful, they’ll tear us to fucking shreds. They’ll rip us limb from limb.”
Redditors, however, are reportedly dead set on maintaining the subreddit protest.
“I’m not using that fucking mobile app,” said user u/animegurlzfan94, his muscles bulging out of his nearly-ripped Rei Ayanami shirt. “It’s super hard to navigate and open stuff up and all that shit. Just let me use the mobile site on my phone! Or else I will crush you. I WILL CRUSH YOU!”
“Thank you for the massive muscles, kind stranger,” announced user u/especiallyjeffrey111, flexing. “Does the narwhal bacon at midnight? We shall see, hmmm?”
At press time, several Reddit incels were becoming dismayed after discovering that being really muscular had not changed their chances with hooking up with women in their neighborhoods.
