YOUR BATHROOM — Bathroom mirrors across the country this morning revealed an exclusive first look at what you have become.
“IKEA is thrilled to be a part of this exciting new technology for mirrors,” said Michael Todd, a spokesman for the company. “We’re honestly not sure how it happened, but our mirrors now reflect people for who they really are. We’ve already received a lot of complaints about what users are seeing. Nevertheless, IKEA stands by its products. The reflections are accurate. IKEA is not in the business of funhouse mirrors. Our products will show you what you have become for better or for worse. IKEA congratulates those who are happy with what they see, and apologizes to those who are not. We look forward to everyone discovering their true selves using IKEA mirrors.”
As with any major shift in technology, not everyone is excited for the change.
“It’s not at all what I expected,” said Kyle Crozier, 27, a local mirror user. “I thought I would have amounted to a lot more by now. But I went into the bathroom this morning and yep, that’s me. Single, unshaven and unemployed. This wasn’t supposed to happen, I was the gifted kid at school. I aced all those standardized tests, and was Ivy League bound for sure. And then, I don’t know. I played too much Minecraft I guess? At one point I thought I could have a career as a Minecraft moderator. You can see how that turned out.”
Later that day, IKEA spokesman Michael Todd put out a follow up statement.
“IKEA is not responsible for any lost opportunity, missed potential, or general feeling of ennui about your life. What you’ve decided to do with your one time here on Earth, whether you pursued a career as a Minecraft moderator, or furniture store spokesperson, is solely the mirror user’s responsibility. Furthermore, the views and opinions expressed in our mirrors are those of the mirror users only, and do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of IKEA.”
Michael then caught a fleeting glance of himself in the mirror, saying, “oh my god. I was supposed to be so much more than this.”
