SEATTLE — Anthropologists have discovered a hidden tribe of people deep within the Amazon who seemingly have not made any contact with the outside world in years.
“It was incredible to see. These people haven’t communicated with any other humans or cultures in such a long time that their culture has evolved separate from the outside world,” said researcher Dr. Reese Webber. “These Amazonians, for some reason, have developed a bathroom-based practice of peeing exclusively into bottles. They’re a very hardy group! Their culture seems to be focused around working; they spend their days performing religious tasks in honor of their god, a mysterious figure named Bay Zos. Some of them spoke in whispers of another figure, perhaps a fallen god in their mythology, named Yoonyun. According to the Amazonions’ mythology, the god Bay Zos struck down Yoonyun, and now Yoonyun’s name cannot be spoken allowed.”
“There is much to learn from these people,” Dr. Webber continued. “I don’t quite understand how their system of exile works. Very often, some women in the tribe would become pregnant and they would be exiled, never to be seen again. I was hoping to live among them for a few months and study their culture, but honestly, it was a pretty miserable environment, so I bailed.”
At press time, one of the tribe’s members spoke to reporters, saying, “dude, I’m so fucking busy right now, if I talk to you, I will be fired for sure.”