BROOKLINE, Mass. — A weekly board game meetup reportedly lasts from 7:00 PM until the time someone storms out in a furious episode, several sources confirmed.
“Normally it happens around 10:00 to 10:30,” said Julie Portis, who hosts the weekly gathering. “Around 9:00, I like to bring out the board games that really piss people off. Before then we’re just playing Codenames, or Scattergories, stuff everyone likes. Everyone’s feeling good, having a bit to drink. Then I bring out Catan. Suddenly everyone goes from working together guessing words to slitting each other’s throats for a sheep. These fuckers are ruthless. I’ve seen Dave break up with his boyfriend over a single brick. I also dose people’s drinks with PCP to really fire the whole thing up.”
The first to leave this week came at around 10:37, as a man was seen leaving Portis’ home, muttering loudly to himself about how someone named Nathan always hordes resources.
“This game is horseshit!” said chemical engineer and incensed board gamer Peter Thurman. “These guys like to gang up on me, the moment they see that my road won’t be completed in time they encircle me and start starving me of resources. I think they deserved to have their house ransacked and liquor bottles thrown against the wall. I took an upper decker in Julie’s guest bathroom, I hope she never finds it and her parents have to deal with shitty water flowing in when they visit for Thanksgiving. Can’t wait for next week’s game night though. I’ll be here right at seven!”
This sort of discord appears to be intended from the highest echelons of the board game industry.
“Yes. Fight. Fight to the death,” declared Hasbro CEO and secret supervillain Chris Cocks as he watched the board game night through his Palantir. “I was never invited to board game nights as a child. I sat at home, making business plans, masturbating, and studying for my MBA. Now I’ll show them. I’ll show the whole world! Those fools believed us when we told them that board games bring you together. All they do is tear us apart! And this next game will destroy every friendship left. It’s exactly like Risk, but it’s got one of those ‘Board Game Awards’ on the front so these nerds will buy it.”
As of press time, a full-blown fist-fight erupted at the game night when a participant suggested switching to a puzzle.
