MINNEAPOLIS — In a disturbing revelation that has left acquaintances confused and appalled, local man Kevin Whittaker, 34, has admitted to deriving significantly more joy from the board game aspects of the Mario Party franchise than from the mini-games, disgusted sources report.
“We did a game night last weekend, and after a few drinks I suggested we play ‘Super Mario Party’ on my Switch. Everyone was totally down to just do some mini games except Kevin,” explained Steph Miller, a friend of Whittaker’s. “He insisted we play a 30-round game on Whomp’s Domino Ruins or he was going to leave. He said doing a full match is the only way to, ‘separate the strategic masterminds from the button-mashing rubes,’ whatever the hell that means. It didn’t even matter since we ended up quitting after like 7 rounds because Leslie fell asleep.”
Whittaker says he’s simply been misunderstood.
“Look, I get why the mini games are appealing in theory. But I’m a refined gamer who likes to think and plan and strategize, not to mention sabotage. I refuse to be some single-celled amoeba who just hops up and down on the A button as fast as I can until I keel over,” Whittaker explained, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “At its core, Mario Party is not a series of sprints. It’s a marathon full of twists and turns and tactical decisions, and I’m a cunning long distance runner. Leslie really showed her lack of stamina, that’s for sure.”
Leslie Turnell, the friend-of-a-friend who couldn’t stay awake, rebutted Whittaker’s point of view.
“I literally just wanted to play nostalgic mini games like Pushy Penguins and Hot Rope Jump. It was one in the goddamn morning and we’re all in our thirties,” she explained. “And I wish we had done that because Kevin totally took things too seriously. He was doing mental math calculating the odds of each of us winning after every turn based on the current star and coin distributions and shit like that. Of course I passed out—he turned playing Mario Party with friends into playing Monopoly with a real estate broker.”
At press time, Whittaker was seen researching every star spawn point for all playable Mario Party maps in case he finds a new group of friends willing to play it with him.
