WASHINGTON, DC – A shockwave rippled across Capitol Hill today as the White House announced a federal buyback program for Shure SM7B microphones, the preferred microphone by deranged podcasters in mass-cringe events that have been sharply increasing in recent years.
“Today, Americans across the country can sleep better knowing that their families, their children, and themselves are safer from random acts of podcasting,” Joe Biden said in a conference on Friday. “While this is an incredible first step on getting podcasts off of the street, we know more work is needed to keep our citizens safe from men having a quarter-life crisis and deciding the world needs to hear them and their equally unfunny friends.”
Negative reactions to this news come overwhelmingly from podcasters and their families, claiming that it is their first amendment right for four lifelong best friends to sit around for an hour every week “roasting” the worst movies ever released.
“It was the microphone Thriller was recorded on,” declared Kyle Webb, a 28-year-old podcaster from Milwaukee, “I can’t believe that our oppressive government would find any issue with a legal citizen recording 30 minutes of comparing the hottest women of history every Tuesday morning. My podcast has been climbing the charts, and now Biden and the crooks in DC are stomping on my dream of reaching 10 active monthly listeners.”
While the Shure SM7B is by far the most popular microphone for podcasting, there are alternatives that many fear will just fill in the gaps.
“Today is step one in a long battle to keep Americans safe from men with no notable life experience or unique perspective broadcasting their ‘takes,’’” VP Harris said in a statement, “We expect a long battle ahead of us in the Upper House, but we trust that Senators around the country will do the right thing for their state’s citizens.”
At press time several podcasters announced their intentions to return to their stand up comedy roots, which they have performed approximately 10 times in their life but still somehow consider their identity.
