Godlessness is rife not just in our doomed world, but also in the world of Pokémon. As a purveyor of Abrahamic milieux, and a possessor of an encyclopedic knowledge of Pokémon, it is my moral duty to present this list of the top 10 most godless Pokémon. You will know which ones to avoid while exploring the snowy routes of Sinnoh to the arid deserts of Galar. Save yourself now from a world of hellfire, damnation, and annoying Pokémon cries.
#10 — Wobbuffet
Wobbuffet is a reactionary. A hopeless non-believer, unaware of the warm embrace God can provide to all of his acolytes. He cannot conceive of loving something unconditionally. Keep away from him, as his Shadow Tag ability traps your poor, helpless Pokémon into a debate where it keeps saying “ad hominem” to anything you say. I don’t even think Wobbuffet enjoys doing that, but he is simply doomed to do so.
#9 — Gorebyss
No creature has ever been more vivacious than Gorebyss, yet this vivacity does not breed a holistic love of our lord and saviour, as Gorebyss is a sadist. Poor unconverted Octillery and Grapploct on the ocean floor encounter this messianic figure, a paragon of beauty and God’s graces. And what does Gorebyss do, instead of spreading the gospel? Induct these poor souls into her cult of Satanism, sucking the life force out of them, and dooming them to a life of rampant heresy. Stay away from diving in the waters where Gorebyss lurks. And God help you if she uses Shell Smash.
#8 — Regigigas
Regigigas is a failed iconoclast. Up in Snowpoint Temple it slumbers, waiting for three failed incarnations of false idolatry. A guy I knew from Jubilife City Trainer School once travelled to Hoenn just to awaken Regigigas. Next I hear from his aunt, he gave Regigigas to his Galarian cousin, because it was useless? The guy takes five turns to start working! I can see an entire gym battle happen in that time. If you’re going to defile the sacraments our Lord Almighty sent down to us, have the decency to do it with some urgency.
#7 — Lickilicky
Of all the mortal sins, I personally believe that lust is the worst. Lickilicky is lust personified. Every single interaction this heretic has the barbaric sensation of a presence on its gargantuan tongue. I keep lobbying the Safari Zone to euthanize it, but they told me that I wouldn’t be allowed past the Route 48 if I kept doing it. Avoid physical contact at all costs.
#6 — Urshifu
One of the many benefits of having God in your life is that He provides protection in everyone’s weakest moments. In Pokémon battles, Protect is the ultimate vessel of God’s encompassing preservation. Urshifu is a master of the arcane arts, penetrating through the near-infinite layers of Protect with his “unseen fist”. Beware of the Towers of Darkness and Water. It is a state-sanctioned propaganda factory. Wake up Mareeple!
#5 — Diggersby
No loving God would ever put Diggersby onto any plane of existence, without cowering in shame at its presence. My aunt from Kalos told me that in her Friend Safari, she found a smorgasbord of Diggersby trying to convert poor, innocent Phanpy and Trapinch to the Unification Church. Smart trainers will ensure they stay away from this band of apostates.
#4 — Crabominable
Every Crabominable’s life is a cold, painful existence whose godlessness cannot be expunged at the sight of hell, for it is simply not hot enough to cleanse it of the frigid heresy it is doomed to undertake. At my behest, Professor Kukui has started to put signs around the base of Mount Lanakila, warning trainers not to take their virginal Crabrawler up to be sullied.
#3 — Turtonator
Turtonator, like Wobbuffet, is another Reddit-esque debater. However, instead of drawing the debate out with your Pokémon, these infidels lie in wait for an opening in your argument, and attack you with a relentless barrage of deceptively simple philosophical questions. Once, while working as a missionary near Blush Mountain, I saw a young Turtonator hatching. For a brief moment, it felt God smile upon her. Then this poor child turned away from this light in shame, and undertook the ritual of the Shell Trap- one so barbaric, it is banned in every region but Alola. Avoid physical contact during the ritual of the Shell Trap, unless you want the clothes on your body to be eviscerated.
#2 — Wo-Chien
Pestilence itself lives in fear of both the destitution Wo-Chien institutes on surrounding vegetation, and the banality with which it takes life. Uncaring of the barren wasteland it leaves in its wake. Yveltal cowers in fear at the sight of Wo-Chien. At my most recent sermon, I heard from the pastor that the Asado Desert used to be a place filled with life before Wo-Chien slithered through there. Makes you think about what Grasswither Shrine will look like in another 700 years…
#1 — Carnivine
Look at him. There is no life behind those eyes. Every single process that sentient beings go through is absent from this creature’s life. The only emotion it feels is constant, unimaginable agony. Its limbs are superfluous. Carnivine lives off of the scraps that other naive Pokemon feed to it out of pity. Avoid Carnivine at all costs, for even a mindless utterance will permanently sever the link between you and whatever god you believe in.
