We all know the struggle of choosing your first partner Pokémon at the beginning of a new game. Should you peek at their evolutions to check for type coverage? Maybe take the one that will fare best against the first few gyms? Just go purely by stats? Well, if you’re sick of comparing and contrasting Bulbasaur’s Special Attack with Squirtle’s Defense, I’ve got a new system for selecting your starter Pokémon: go with the one that my mom would think was a living, breathing animal. Here’s a helpful guide!
#29 — Pikachu
Come on, guys. Pikachu is the face of the franchise. There’s no way my mom wouldn’t recognize him, no matter how I presented it. She’d see the picture and go, “Oh, look, it’s Pokey-man!”
#28 — Charmander
My mom understands that dinosaurs are extinct. She read me several picture books about dinosaurs in the early-to-mid 90s, and in every single one, they were extinct by modern day. She would call my bluff on this one.
#27 — Cyndaquil
It would be a really hard sell to convince her that there’s an animal who is just constantly on fire. I could try to say that it’s actually just a tragic picture of a poor critter burning to death, but, in that case, she would probably refuse to engage at all.
#26 — Scorbunny
This is a Saturday morning cartoon character. She wouldn’t recognize it as a Pokémon, but she would be like, “Hey, that rabbit is walking on its hind legs and has a band-aid on its face. It’s literally playing soccer. That’s not a real animal.”
#25 — Fuecoco
When I was a kid, I won a stuffed animal that looked just like Fuecoco at a fair and carried it around with me everywhere. I think that association would make my mom suspect something. Even if she didn’t, she would definitely embarrass me by bringing up how hard I cried when I lost the plushy at Disney. I’m not letting her see Fuecoco.
#24 — Oshawott
The sticking point here is obviously the clam on its belly. What kind of real animal has a perfect image of its staple food on its abdomen? Absolutely none. Only a Pokémon would have something like that.
#23 — Chimchar
So this guy is also on fire, but if I find a picture from the right angle, I might be able to convince her that it’s just a species of ape that has mastered the creation of fire. I mean, chimps use tools, right? Still a long shot, but I’ve got better odds than with Cyndaquil or Charmander.
#22 — Bulbasaur
My mom likes to garden. She understands the difference between plants and animals. I’m not optimistic about my chances when it comes to persuading her that there exists on this planet some unholy marriage of the two.
#21 — Sprigatito
Cats aren’t green. It simply isn’t done.
#20 — Chespin
I could try to present it as a cute animal in a costume, but I feel like she would immediately ask me what kind of animal it was and I would freeze. I honestly can’t even tell you what it’s based on. Like, an otter or sloth or something? It’s making me uncomfortable thinking about it.
#19 — Froakie
I would attempt to sell Froakie as a rabid frog, but I’d fail. I’ve got a good amount of “Um, actually” in me, and I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from explaining that only mammals can get rabies. Honestly, this isn’t even a bit, I just want to make it clear that I know that a frog couldn’t contract rabies.
#18 — Chikorita
Dude’s got body jewelry and a weird haircut. Not only would my mom disbelieve, she would disapprove.
#17 — Totodile
She would realize that crocodiles don’t stand on two legs, but wouldn’t guess that it was a Pokémon. She’d be like, “Oh, is this one of the monsters from your Godzilla movies?” But what exactly makes them “my” Godzilla movies, mom? There are millions of tokusatsu enthusiasts in the United States alone.
#16 — Popplio
Popplio looks pretty close to an actual seal, so you would think this one would be easy. Nope. The guy is a breakfast cereal mascot. She would think I was trying to drop a hint and would forcibly send me home with every box of Cheerios in the house.
#15 — Snivy
The popped collar is a problem. My mom would say, “Oh! Like you tried to do in high school but everyone made fun of you!” and I would immediately give up trying to convince her Snivy was real and start defending the choices I made during my awkward years.
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