When I was working at summer camp in college, we got our duty assignments for the day in the morning before breakfast. One of the jobs was “Floater” which meant that you walked around and hoped no one asked you to do any work. Well, one time I decided I wasn’t going to do that and took a nap in the counselor break room. I almost made it to lunch without anyone noticing when my boss came in and found me and said “How do you think everyone else would feel if they found out you were slacking off?” before sending me out to ensure the kids don’t choke on their chicken fingers.
I think about this moment in my life constantly when my brain decides it needs a good cringe. I’ve also been watching a lot of Star Trek recently, and being in Starfleet honestly seems to be a lot like summer camp. You have overworked authority figures attempting to wrangle people who only want to die, field trips where something goes wrong and you have to get everyone back to the bus quickly, and the occasional warp core meltdown. So let’s open the theater of the mind and imagine which Captain would be chill with me slacking off in Ten Forward or Quark’s Bar or whatever the hangout spot is on the ship.
8. Captain Jean-Luc Picard
Uh-oh. Looks like I’m headed to the Ready Room to get a stern talking to. He’s probably going to quote Shakespeare at me or something. If only Riker had found me. Maybe he’d take me to that jazz club holodeck program to watch him play the trombone.
7. Captain Katheryn Janeway
Janeway would at least give me the chance to explain myself, even though there’s no way I’m getting out of this one. The difference between her and Picard is that she’s stuck with me. What is she gonna do, discharge me and leave me stranded in the Delta Quadrant? By the way, did you know that if you kill Neelix in Star Trek Voyager: Elite Force for the PC they just throw you in the brig?
6. Captain Michael Burnham
I’m going to be upfront and say I haven’t watched Discovery but I know it’s got a bad case of Prestige TV-itus, so I’m just going to assume my napping in the commissary is a 10-episode arc that doesn’t go anywhere for nine episodes and then I die anti-climactically. Let me know in the comments if I’m wrong, it’s really great for our engagement!
5. Captain Benjamin Sisko
Sisko is going to catch me and we’re going to have one of those moments where he knows I’m in trouble and I know I’m in trouble so nothing really has to be said. The real issue is when Bashir and O’Brien catch wind of what happened and make fun of me while we play darts.
4. Captain Christopher Pike
Pike is going to give me a talking-to, but he’s going to be just a little awkward about it. He’s gonna run out of things to say and the conversation’s just going to sputter out. Nice guy, though!
3. Captain James T. Kirk
C’mon, it’s Kirk! He’s gonna make a quippy one-liner when he finds me before going off to bang some alien babeazoid. Also, our commissary is like four cardboard walls and eight chairs.
2. Captain Carol Freeman
I’m going to get absolutely screamed at, threatened with demotion, and commanded to clean up the entire commissary before going off duty, but the minute she leaves the room I’m free to lie back down and get some shut-eye without any consequences. It’s the Cerritos, we got nowhere to be.
Captain Jonathan Archer
Buddy, this guy barely wants to work! He probably has his dog with him when he catches me. I’m gonna snuggle the dog. The only problem is I’d have to be on Enterprise. Zing!
