With the upcoming 60th Anniversary of the beloved BBC television show Doctor Who, I couldn’t help but take some time to disassociate and daydream about what it might be like if my mom had married one of the 14 regenerations of the Doctor instead of the deadbeat parolee named Gary with whom she actually ended up.
#14 — The Twelfth Doctor (Peter Capaldi)
A grumpy, wannabe rockstar that keeps everyone at arm’s length – are we sure Capaldi didn’t base his Doctor off of Gary? That being said, Capaldi’s Doctor would probably forgive me if I were to accidentally break his Steve Perry autographed guitar and not lord it over me for the rest of my life.
#13 — The Sixth Doctor (Colin Baker)
An arrogant know-it-all that runs into trouble with the law, gee who does that sound like?! Colin Baker had a massive falling out with the BBC which led to his expulsion, much like Gary and our local Applebee’s. However, Colin would stand by me if I were to get into trouble. And if anyone were to bully me, he would absolutely stand up for me and not just tell me to “toughen up and be a man.”
#12 — The Ninth Doctor (Christopher Eccleston)
Both Gary and the ninth Doctor run around in leather jackets complaining about the stupidity that surrounds them. If Eccleston’s Doctor was my step-dad, I know he would try and get me into his weird esoteric hobbies like motorcycle maintenance or visiting historic Civil War battlegrounds.
#11 — The First Doctor (William Hartnell)
At least Hartnell’s Doctor lets his granddaughter come with him on his adventures. Gary makes me wait in his truck while he gets drunk at the Elk’s Lodge so I can be his designated driver.
#10 — The Seventh Doctor (Sylvester McCoy)
Much like the Seventh Doctor, Gary is also most likely going to die by being shot in an alley. However, McCoy would try his best to make pancakes for the family every Saturday but end up burning them. Oh how we would laugh and tease him, but at least he tried.
#9 — The Fourth Doctor (Tom Baker)
If the fourth Doctor were my step-dad he would probably be the kinda guy who had his own TikTok account and recorded himself doing viral dance trends. I would pretend to be embarrassed but in my heart I would love every second of it. Unlike Gary who just records himself in his truck yelling about the government.
#8 — The Eleventh Doctor (Matt Smith)
Having the eleventh Doctor for my step-dad would be like if my mom married someone I went to highschool with, which would be really uncomfortable at first but in the end we would have a whole lot in common and actually enjoy spending time together. Gary is 43 but thinks he is still in high school.
#7 — The Thirteenth Doctor (Jodie Whittaker)
Much like Gary, Jodie Wittaker’s Doctor is also wildly divisive and really just trying to do the best with what was given to them. That being said, you know that Jodie’s Doctor would go all in to help you with your science projects and also introduce you to people as her son, not “my wife’s kid.”
#6 — The Third Doctor (Jon Pertwee)
Much like the third Doctor, Gary feels completely trapped and spends most of his day working on his car. While it seems like Pertwee’s Doctor would be a strict disciplinarian and probably not let me have a lock on my bedroom door, I think structure and discipline is exactly what I crave and the only reason I act out is because that is the only way I can get Gary’s attention.
#5 — The Eighth Doctor (Paul McGann)
McGann’s Doctor would be the kind of step-dad that would slow dance with my mom in the kitchen whenever High Enough by Damn Yankees came on the radio. He wouldn’t be offended that I didn’t want to call him Dad and would always tell me that he wasn’t trying to replace my real dad. Gary is still convinced this is “his house” even though he hasn’t paid for a damn thing in it.
#4 — The Second Doctor (Patrick Troughton)
An excitable tramp that plays the flute, I feel like living with Troughton’s Doctor would be like living with Willy Wonka. No matter what stupid little kid thing I wanted to show him, Troughton would act like I did the most amazing feat he had ever witnessed. Unlike Gary who calls my love of cartooning “girly shit.”
#3 — The Fourteenth Doctor (David Tennant)
Unlike most of the male role models in my life, David Tennant actually came back after disappearing for thirteen years.
#2 — The Fifth Doctor (Peter Davison)
Davison’s Doctor would probably turn our basement into a place for vintage video games, Legos, and train sets. Unlike Gary who turned our basement into his “man cave” which is just a folding chair, a beer fridge, and a TV I’m not allowed to touch. Davison would have no trouble telling me that he loved me and we would probably be watching a Doctor Who marathon at this very moment instead of Fox News blaring in the background as is my current situation.
#1 — The Tenth Doctor (David Tennant)
Sensitive, loyal, and genuinely attentive. Tennant’s first go at the Doctor would not be ashamed of his feelings and would be perfectly comfortable hugging one another and crying. He would do everything in his power to show up to all of my school plays. He would treat my mother like an equal partner and he would be supportive of me following my dreams. It is weird however that the probability of both Gary and the Doctor abandoning me on a beach is highly probable.
