There’s all sorts of crazy allegations swirling about Lizzo regarding body shaming an sexual harassment in the last few days. And yet, her song “Pink” is a huge part of the opening of the biggest movie of the summer, Greta Gerwig’s Barbie! Well here are 20 songs they could replace Lizzo’s with if they wanna go in and make any last minute changes to the movie.
#20 — “Barbie Girl” by Aqua
Mattel famously filed a lawsuit against this Danish-Norwegian Europop band in the ’90s, but now that the genre is making a comeback (Women Are My Favorite Guy) and, as far as I know, Lene Nystrøm never made anyone eat a banana out of someone’s genitals, it seems like the perfect time to digitally edit Barbie Girl into every showing of Barbie around the world.
#19 — “Ass Mirror (& Puckered Lips)” by Toys That Kill
I’ve never listened to Toys That Kill, but they have “toys” in their band name, so I think probably any of their songs would be a good way to start off the Barbie movie.
#18 — “Semi-Charmed Life” by Third Eye Blind
In the ’90s, roughly 45% of all movies started with the song Semi-Charmed Life. Enough time has passed that we can now start the Barbie movie with it as well if we just get rid of that Lizzo song.
#17 — “Girls Girls Girls” by Mötley Crüe
Playing this song at the beginning of the Barbie movie instead of the Lizzo song would be a clever, subtle reference to the fact that the film’s central themes are about how difficult it often is for girls, girls, girls.
#16 — “Heill Odinn” by Varg Vikernes
After hearing what Lizzo allegedly did to her dancers, it would be nice for the Barbie film to start off with a song made by someone who, as far as I know, has never done anything problematic.
#15 — “Shallows” by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper
A Star is Born (2018) made $436 million at the box office. If you add that to the crazy amount of money Barbie has already made, it could be one of the biggest hits of all time. This is a no brainer move for Hollywood producers!
#14 — “I Love Kanye” by Kanye West
After many rightwing commentators came out against the Barbie movie for its supposed woke agenda, the producers of the film might want to try to make amends with the conservative community by choosing a song by their new favorite musician.
#13 — “A Hard Day’s Night” by The Beatles
The Beatles is lowkey one of the most popular bands of all time. Not to go all “Moneyball” on this, but replacing Lizzo’s song with one from The Beatles, could actually help increase viewings, believe it or not. Fans of The Beatles really love their work and are willing to shell out the big bucks to support them.
#12 — “Doritos & Fritos” by 100 Gecs
Both Barbie and Doritos & Fritos share similar themes, contemplating the rampant consumerism in America and the commodification of our bodies forced upon us by the corporations insisting that we are not human, but simply objects. What is Barbie about if not metaphorically going to France to get some new pants? If not emotionally going to Greece to get something to eat? If not intellectually eating burritos with Danny Devito? Also the song goes hard.
#11 — “Old Town Road” by Lil Nas X
Barbie is ultimately about loving horses.
#10 — “Do They Owe Us a Living?” by Crass
In this version of Barbie, there would be a slightly larger change to the story as well. Nothing too difficult, but first you replace the Lizzo song with this. Then you change the ending slightly so that the Barbies and Kens join together in solidarity, marching into the Real World to demand better rights.
#9 — “The Ballad of Howie Bling” by Daniel Lopatin
Don’t get me wrong, I love the light-hearted jokey tone of Barbie. But I’m also willing to admit that the beginning could use a lot more dark undertones and tension. One very easy way to fix this would be replacing the opening Lizzo song with the 8.5 minute main theme from Uncut Gems.
#8 — “Cosmic Leash” by Chris Farren
Chris Farren’s new album Doom Singer came out today. I dunno, just seems like a nice thing to do for the guy to put his song in the Barbie movie.
#7 — “Savage Good Boy” by Japanese Breakfast
This is basically word-for-word the same as “I’m Just Ken” so you might as well just put it in the beginning of the Barbie movie as well, right?
#6 — “NPR Music Tiny Desk Concert” by T-Pain
While technically not a song, I think we can all agree that T-Pain’s Tiny Desk concert was the first time we were like, wow, if you get rid of the auto-tune, this guy can really sing! In a way, that’s kind of what the Barbie movie is about too, and I think everyone would agree this would be a pretty banger way to open up the movie.
#5 — “Same Love” by Macklemore
As we all know, Barbie is about wokeness or something like that. Well, then why not include the most important progressive love ballad of our time? Before “Same Love,” gay people were forced to live in the shadows. Now, with the Barbie movie, it’s time for women to be able to step out as well.
#4 — “Material Girl” by Madonna
If you can’t get “Barbie Girl” by Aqua for some reason, “Material Girl” by Madonna is a great alternative. “Barbie Girl” has incredibly relevant lyrics like “life is plastic / it’s fantastic.” But what is plastic if not a material? Check and mate.
#3 — “Hey Tony!” by Frosted Flakes
As far as I can tell, this is almost identical to the Lizzo song “Hey Barbie” that plays at the beginning of the Barbie film. In fact, it’s so goddamn similar, I wouldn’t be surprised if there is currently an on-going lawsuit by Kellogg’s attacking Lizzo for this very issue. So let’s cut the bullshit and just put the real “Hey Barbie” song back into the movie please!
#2 — “Juice” by Lizzo
OK admittedly, this is probably not a good choice to replace the Lizzo song because it’s also a Lizzo song. I just think it’s a cute song that might be interesting in the film. But again, totally get why it’s probably not the best choice. So feel free to ignore this option.
#1 — “Everywhere At The End Of Time” by The Caretaker
All you’d need to do is swap the Lizzo song at the beginning of Barbie for this and you’d drastically change the entire tone of the film. I think it’s a really good idea.
