It’s getting down to the wire, gamers. Christmas lists have long been finalized, presents have been ordered, and zero hour approaches. You can’t count on friends and family to give you everything on your wishlist, though — that’s where the guy in the red suit comes in. Of course, his gifts come with strings attached. If you’ve been less-than-virtuous this year, time is running out for you to shift the balance in your favor. Check out this list for some easy, repeatable good deeds that could be your ticket off of the naughty list this year.
1 — Pay it forward in the drive-through
It’s always a nice surprise to pull up to the drive-through window and learn that the car ahead of you has already paid for you. The best part is that you can just drive around and do it again!
2 — Bring a package in for a neighbor
This tip is mostly intended for those in apartments or similar shared-entrance situations, but single-family homeowners can take advantage of it, too. Test out your neighbors’ stuff and let them know if it’s any good! They will surely thank you for your diligence.
3 — Clean a public restroom
These things are all over the place and most of them could use a good scrubbing. Get to it!
4 — Compliment someone
There are so many people on this planet, and many of them have admirable qualities. The only caveat to using this as a good deed is that the person you compliment must be someone who you are not attracted to. Getting laid negates the altruistic component of this entry.
5 — Buy Dave the Diver
Supporting poor indie developers is a good deed. For extra points, keep buying copies so you can gift them to your friends.
6 — Call your mom
This is basically an infinite XP glitch. You can repeat it as often as you want. Call her back as soon as you hang up and she’ll be just as delighted as she was the first time.
7 — Adopt a bunch cats
Just dozens and dozens of cats. No one who has that many cats could possibly be on the naughty list.
8 — Buy fries for the table
This good deed is slightly diminished if you eat most of the fries, but it can also be repeated indefinitely, so go to town!
9 — Post on social media about how things should be different
Man, things sure are awful. It would be great if someone did something about that. Therefore, it would also be pretty good if someone suggested that someone should do something about that. It’s a whole lot easier, too.
10 — Join a cult
One of the most difficult parts of performing good deeds is navigating the complex web of moral and ethical philosophy that determines what a good deed actually is. Cults cut right through that red tape and tell you directly what is good and what is evil. You’ll be selling colloidal silver and/or firebombing a district attorney’s home in no time, making your case for the good list all the while!
11 — Stop masturbating
This technically isn’t a good deed, but it couldn’t hurt. I mean, Santa is watching you 24/7. He’d probably appreciate it if he didn’t have to see you cranking it throughout the holiday season. You should really cut back, anyway. For your own good.
12 — Tell someone to calm down
Throughout the day, seek out people who have lost their cool and tell them that they should calm down. They’ll appreciate your advice and immediately chill out. This will lower the aggregate negative energy in the world.
13 — Let your little brother use the good controller
Just kidding!
14 — Tell your barista to smile more
It’s nice to spread cheer during the holidays! Plus, she looks so pretty when she smiles, and she’ll surely appreciate it if you tell her that while she’s on the clock.
15 — Leave a mean comment on this article
Go ahead, blow off some steam. Take your aggression out on me so you don’t end up hurting someone else. I’m giving you permission, so it doesn’t count as a bad deed. I’ve even intentionally included some grammar mistakes and awkward phrasing throughout this list, just to inspire you. Hit me with your best shot.
16 — Steal a book from the library
They’ll just buy a replacement, thereby increasing the number of books in the world. Books are good, so more books means more good. It’s only logical.
17 — Sabotage a windmill
Santa is running the world’s largest coal distribution operation. Renewables are a huge threat to his empire. We must do all we can to kneecap clean energy. For Santa.
18 — Buy animals from the pet store and release them into the wild
Those poor creatures are likely doomed to die in that store. Wouldn’t that chameleon prefer to experience some fresh December air before it goes?
19 — Write a short form humor piece
There is nothing more noble or good than delivering the gift of laughter. This is why I can consider myself a good person despite my fundamental and obvious shortcomings.
20 — Consume
Buy. Buy gifts for your friends and family. Buy collectibles, games, and gadgets for yourself. Order from Panera for lunch instead of making a sandwich at home. Buy a shirt from the Hard Drive store. Our economy depends on continuous, infinite growth. If that growth should falter, we are doomed. Therefore, consumption is an unquestionable good. As long as you are spending all of your money, all of the time, you cannot possibly end up on the naughty list.
