Editor’s Note: The following list was emailed to Hard Drive from Merrick Garland’s official Justice Department email address. He has reportedly been sending it to numerous outlets, calling it his “magnum opus” and explaining that it is the culmination of nearly four years of constant effort. While other publications have elected not to publish Garland’s list, we believe that the American people deserve to know what our nation’s top lawyer has been up to since 2021.
Lego Batman 3: Beyond Gotham
I get that Batman is the hero here, but you gotta give credit to the Joker too. It’s like Trump being a threat to democracy, but, like, could democracy even exist without a counterpoint? Think about it, man.
Limbo
Anytime I eat White House cafeteria meatloaf I think of gray, which makes me think of Limbo. Shortly afterwards, I’ll find myself playing Limbo until my legs completely fall asleep in the stall (passing meat) as I think about this little boy trapped in an endless death loop. I’ll believe car accident theories or tree house slip and falls in regards to the kid’s demise, but (as attorney general) the idea of a kid navigating childhood with only a small bit of gun violence isn’t tethered to reality.
Pokémon Go
This might seem like dull trivia, but the White House is six stories high and over 55,000 square feet. That makes it perfect for catching Kanto Pokémon or hatching rare eggs. It takes a lot of effort maintaining maxed out Pokémon, which is why I always look so busy on my work phone. This year, I even got so distracted trying to take over the local gym that I forgot to vote. Oops!
Super Mario Run
Mario immigrated via plumbing and Trump is probably going to have none of that, so I’m enjoying this while I can. If anything, Mario and Luigi probably voted for Trump so that Wario and Waluigi get deported, but in the end we’ll all lose here.
Castlevania: Symphony of the Night
I once heard Biden say, “What is a man? A miserable pile of secrets,” two years ago before he pardoned a turkey as he stroked its feathered back. I laughed and asked him, “Oh, you like that game too?” Biden said he had never heard of it.
Lego Jurassic World
Yeah, another Lego game. However, this game is basically like working in The West Wing:
- You’re surrounded by dinosaurs.
- You can’t die in the game, you just keep failing up.
Also, Biden genuinely does forget that you’re there if you don’t move, and I swear to God that Marjorie Taylor Greene once unfurled a neck frill and spat venom at me.
Fallout Shelter
I feel like I helped make this—not in a game engineering universe, but in a bad way. We already have a Deep Underground Military Base (DUMB) in Hawaii, and the game highlights American exceptionalism with blind patriotism, but those sorts of narratives go right over my head.
Doom
I’m barred from most internal meetings and electronics in the building here because anytime there’s an opportunity I’ll say, “But can it run Doom?” even though I know I’ll get absolutely no response. The Evangelical Christians here think I’m on my “lefty crap” when I play this game because there’s no LGBTQIA+ communities, minorities, or fellow Senator friends in Hell.
Crazy Taxi Classic
I remember the day I got my highest score on this game. Nobody cheered for me. Nobody clapped. That day was January 6th, 2021 and I’m still upset being ignored like that.
Final Fantasy (Series)
I’m kinda limited to mobile gaming now, but I’m hoping to get back into console gaming in January, because y’all know I’m a sucker for the Final Fantasy series. I’d be playing them now, but White House staff took my consoles away because they “interfere with work” or whatever that’s supposed to mean. I can’t wait til this stupid job is over.
