FORMER PAYLESS SHOES – A trip down memory lane reportedly took a bitter turn today, when you discovered that the video game you couldn’t afford with childhood allowance is now worth more than you can afford with a full-time job and side hustle.
“Well you have to consider the market,” said Ian Spalzner, owner and sole employee of Master Quest Games. “Emulation might be easier than ever, but real gamers want a connection to their games. They want to feel the plastic for the ten seconds it takes to carry it from the Sterilite tub to the console. They want to be able to hold a little piece of buried treasure with a Blockbuster sticker on it and ‘Kyle’ written on it in black magic marker. You can’t really put a price on that.”
But Spalzner tried – $349.99, before tax and an additional 5% surcharge to all purchases. “Card companies are fuckin’ thieves, man,” he said.
According to the 1993 Toys R Us Christmas ad you vaguely remember, the game was $70 brand new, an unthinkable expense on a weekly allowance of $2.
“Your father and I weren’t made of money. We knew you wanted the Terminator 2 game so we got you the Terminator 2 game. Maybe you should’ve thought a little harder on what you wanted if that one’s so important now,” said your mom, who gave away all of your games without consultation to kid-across-the-street Josh Calvert in 1999. He could not be reached for comment. Master Quest has multiple copies of Terminator 2 on both Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis marked at $6.99 each.
Despite a recent raise to $13.00 an hour and the holiday influx of Lyft fares, $349.99 just isn’t in the cards right now. The heating bill is going up, your unidentified cough is almost severe enough to justify visiting the CVS MinuteClinic, and you only walked into Master Quest to see if it had a cheaper copy of Spider-Man 2 for the PlayStation 5 than GameStop.
When reached for comment on how badly he wants it for Christmas, your nephew said, “Yeah.”
Shopping ended abruptly when Spalzner produced a used copy for $64.99, the same price as GameStop, but made clear he accepted no returns and issued no refunds.
Although you walked away empty-handed and emotionally distraught, Spalzner did offer a silver lining.
“Let me know if you actually have that Toys R Us ad. People pay crazy money for that nostalgic shit.”
